Mortal Sin - Sin Book II

Chapter 4

And, somehow... I remember nothing.

I wouldn't have thought you'd be able to remember nothing. It's like, what lays beyond the edge of the Universe? How can there be an complete absence of something? An exit of existence? It can't be comprehended, but when you think of it, you can sense the edge of the idea. You CAN almost comprehend it. It's just outside your grasp, and you can reach and you can grab but you can't quite take hold.

But I remember it.

After the fire there was... nothing. I want to explain it. I want to express it, but I can't. How do you describe a feeling? It's like a game of Taboo, where you have to help your partner guess a word without using the 5 main descriptors. How do you tell someone what HOT feels like without using words like 'heat'? And if there ARE no words?

Nothing was like... nothing. No taste or feeling or sound or any semblance of light. Not floating but not standing. Not spinning right around like a record, baby.

Nothing was like a whole load of NOT.

And after the Nothing came... not nothing. It seeped in slowly. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the light. There wasn't a great booming voice demanding "LET THERE BE SOMETHING!" It just came. Like opening your eyes after a good night's sleep, blearily welcoming the sun but not really realising it's there standing right in front of you, slapping your face trying to wake you up.

For a long time - although with no reference or feeling of Time's passing it, could have been a heartbeat (if my heart were still beating) - that was all there was. Dawn had cracked, as she is prone to do, in silence and was oozing in like smoke under the door of a burning building. I couldn't see as I wasn't even sure if I had eyes. I don't think I was actually aware that I WAS. I was a foetus, embryonic in knowledge and sense.

Still in silence, a growing feeling of ME washed over, a breakwater of sensation on a morning's tide. It's spray was refreshing although I had yet to know that I had a body or a mind... or what refreshing could mean. I think I welcomed it. I'm sure I didn't shy away.

At least I don't think I did.

After the floating, after the burning and the nothing... I became.

Became what? Just became. I wasn't then I was. I didn't then I did. I wasn't asleep, but I did wake up.

You know the deal. Except, no. You probably don't. No-one will. Unless you've died and been brought back. Resurrected. Crossed the Styx and Paypalled the Ferryman. How could you? Did some really see tunnels leading to a great white light? Did your belated family or friends stand on the precipice of Life and Afterlife and tell you that it's not your time yet so skedaddle back into your body and don't be so eager?

Or was it simply darkness? An absence of everything? Nothing? You are, then you're not then, lo and behold, you are again. A yo-yo of You. A bounce of Being. A loop of Life.

Maybe, like with the Gods looking down, playing chess, poker and asking if they want sugar in their tea and one chocolate hob-nob or two, there was a party going on and we were all invited. Dress smart but formal, no trainers.

I don't know. And I don't know why I'm even contemplating it. Do I think I died? I'm not sure. I don't remember being, I just - sort of - remember NOT being.

But that's all. That's all I do remember.

Or did.

Who I was, not just in name but in essence, and where I was from - they were gone. Not even a grey area that clouded my knowledge like a dirty window. Gone completely. No hint or whisper or vague shadow. Just... well... nothing.

Nothing and I were becoming friends. Not quite beer, pizza and movie buddies, but at least more than nodding acquaintances. If we met on the street we'd stop and chat about last night's TV, that morning's Jeremy Kyle, the price of fuel. We'd say sure, pop round for a coffee. Drop me a text or an email. Facebook me. And neither would, but that'd be ok. It'd be understood - unspoken but realised.