where i end and you begin

//ch 3

//thoms pov 

being gay is so complicated. why cant i just love who i love? why can't people grasp the idea that the feelings they have for their wife, i have for guys? why is it such a bother in the first place? these are things i'll never understand. but other than that, being gay is great. dick is wonderful and so are men in general... especially jonny. jonny's so pretty: his hair is always clean and styled perfectly, he's tall and so very fit, and his face is absolutely beautiful and perfect. there are his plump lips, deep brown eyes, and of course his perfect nose. i think i love him. i love him so much. i highly doubt that he could ever feel the same about me though. look at me, i look like a bum! i'm a short, moody moron, and he's so talented and handsome. even if i was close to as talented as him, my eye is still fucked up anyway.

i feel like my mom should know i'm gay, since y'know, she birthed me. i'm not sure how she'll react, but it can't be that bad right? now my father... i don't have the balls to tell him. he'd probably throw me out. so i walk down the hall to my mothers bedroom to go break the news to her. how am i gonna tell her? i'm just gonna quickly say "hey mom, i'm gay" ... i guess.

"hey mom, can we talk?" i spoke

"yes thomas of course" she replied

"so... uh. i'm gay." i spit out quickly, trying to get this over with.

he face dropped and i could see her kind disposition instantly turn into hatred and disappointment. "thomas edward yorke. you will not do that absolute bullshit in this house. you can either stop believing you're gay, or you can get the HELL out of my house!" she yelled. she always had a habit of gesticulating, but her hand got a little too close to my face for me to think it was accidental.

i ran to my room, crying, and start packing my things. where the fuck was i gonna go? i tried to think as i continued shoving my clothes in a backpack, but my thoughts are clouded with the realization that my mother hates me for liking what she likes. ... that's it! jonny! i run to get the phone and dial in jonny's number. it rang 3 times before he picked up, but i would've called over and over again until he picked up. even if he didn't let me stay with him, maybe hearing his voice can help me.

"hello?" i heard him say

"j-jonny... can i come stay with you tonight?" i whimpered out, my voice hoarse and choked.

"yeah thom, of course. what happened? is everything okay?" he said, extremely concerned. whenever he gets worried, his voice quiets and becomes soothing.

"i'll just explain things when i get there... thank you. bye." i spoke quickly and then hung up the phone.

i was debating on taking my guitar but decided it would be too heavy. maybe i could get it another time?

—20 mins later—

i finally reached jonny's house and knocked on the door twice. he quickly opened it and he wrapped me up in a hug. he grabbed the back of my head and stoked my hair. it was usual for us to hug, but he only ever holds my head whenever i'm upset.

"thommy, what is it?" he asked worriedly

"let's go upstairs and i'll explain." i said while grabbing his hand

after i explained what happened, jonny grabbed both my hands. his hands are always cold and i can feel the calluses on his fingertips; it doesn't matter though. i love him, and the hands that create his beautiful pieces come along with it.

"thom... i'm so sorry. your mother is such a bitch for that. i'll still be your friend no matter what. you can stay here for however long you need; my parents won't care." he said while running his thumb over my knuckles. i appreciated the sentiment, and absolutely adore him for allowing me to suddenly stay in his home, but i can't ignore the sting i felt when he said "friend." a friend.

"thank you jonny. it really means a lot, i'm so lucky to have you as a friend." even though he's so much more than a friend, i have to keep things hidden. i don't want him to feel violated because he let me stay with him. if i was the reason why the kindness and caring of his heart was disrespected, i would never be able to live with myself. "anyways, it's getting late, so... do you want to lay down?" i spoke quietly

"yeah... i only have one bed though. we'll have to share." he said. i hope it doesn't bother him, but i know i'm not bothered by it.

i nodded and laid down, turning my back towards him. being in someone else's bed has made me realize that i can never sleep anymore without being buzzed.

"do you have any alcohol jonny?" i whispered

"i mean, yeah, there's some in my closet, but are you sure that's a good idea?" he whispered back

i said nothing and rummaged through his closet, stumbling upon a bottle of vodka. it was slightly disgusting because it was room temperature but i really didn't care. i don't wanna feel anything right now.

i laid back down and started sipping the bottle.

"thom i need some too! don't chug it!" jonny scream-whispered

we sat there for a about an hour passing the bottle back and forth and talking. we were both extremely drunk but also rather happy. my head was in jonny's lap and his fingers were in my hair. i had an idea, and i knew i had to act upon it. i'm gonna fall asleep otherwise, and i know i can't do this without the vodka.

"jonny, i think i like you."