Unaddressed Letters

Chapter 2

Unaddressed Letters Chapter 2

Stop trying to save me; I’m not a child anymore. That just doesn’t sound right. I’m already gone. I looked up at Ly and Sara again, questioning them through my eyes. They sighed in relief as they noticed my surroundings, just me on a bed, nothing unusual. The tears had already faded, disappeared and out of sight, at least until I’m left alone.

“Lindsy, why are you up here? It’s amazing weather outside and the sun is shining right in your favorite spot, let’s go back out there.” Sara said, trying to stop Lyle’s worrying, no doubt so that she could be kissing him again. I shook my head lightly before speaking in a whisper, careful to void my voice from emotion.

“I’m not feeling all too great”, I gently lay on my back, head rested on the fluffy pillow, “You two go have some fun, I’m just going to stay in for the night.” Yet another Saturday night spent inside my house, feeling trapped by the four walls that seem to be growing closer and closer together, trapping me in altogether.

Lyle looked at me, doubting to believe my all too famous excuse of not feeling well. He raised his eyebrow in a ‘really?’ fashion, making me quickly back u p my point. “For dinner I made myself some chicken, I don’t think I cooked it well enough.” The lies didn’t even trip up on my tongue; they just escaped my mouth without a second thought. Not at all were they true, I didn’t even eat dinner that night, but they didn’t know that, they were too fascinated with each other.

Well, more Lyle than Sara. She was never the nicest person to me. I moved here only a few years ago, and they were the best of friends. Lyle, living on the same street, became my first friend, forcing Sara and I together. Sara never liked me all too much, thinking that I was a threat that would come between Lyle and herself, but I didn’t. I couldn’t be able to even if I tried. Lyle was more like a big brother to me, protecting me from anything that could bring me harm. Though he didn’t know that the one who brought me the most harm was myself, and he wouldn’t until it’s too late. I’m sorry for taking years from you, you don’t need to protect me, the only one who hurt me is, well, me.

Sara spoke before Lyle could say anything, especially with his features all screaming out that he did not believe me. “Well, if you’re sure, then we’ll be going.” She backed up a little, trying to grab Lyle’s collar and take him with her.

“Go ahead Sara; I’m staying in with Linds tonight. You can go to the party though, I don’t mind.” She huffed and stormed out of the room. Well, I doubt Sara would care about this in any way, since apparently I’m ‘taking away her boyfriend’. I feel as if I’m only hurting myself more by hurting Sara and losing the only girl who actually cared about me. Well, at least stuck around me and didn’t hurt me as bad as she possibly could. Because trust me, getting involved with girls was like hell waiting to happen. I’m sorry Sara if you think I threatened you, but I would never want to do that, you believe me, right?

“Lyle, go with your girlfriend to the party, I’m just not feeling amazing, you don’t have to sit and watch me.” I looked down, regretting my decision to run upstairs. I really didn’t think they would even notice, but they did, and that did not help me in any way at all.

“Lindsy, cut the damn act, I know that you are feeling fine, why can’t you just tell me the truth.” It’s because the truth is too hard and painful, I can’t tell you. No, not as powerful as it could be. I wouldn’t even know where to begin expressing it in words.

“Fine then, I’m feeling perfectly fine, I just want to be left alone.” My eyes cast down to my lap, searching for something to do until Lyle left just to hold me over. The list was endless, but only one thing stood out to me, escape. Go to the bathroom and do it, hide it. Don’t let him know.

“Linds, please, just let me stay. Let’s watch a movie.” My plan had to go now; there was no doubt about it.

“Um, sure. You pick out a movie; I’m just going to use the bathroom quickly.” I rushed out of the room before he could question my motives or even just say a simple ‘okay’.

Sprinting into the adjoined bathroom, I opened the cabinet slowly, making sure it did not squeak and give away the fact that I was indeed not actually going to the bathroom. The purple Venus Embrace razor caught my eye after moving various items from the top of the shelf to reach the bottom, where it was. It was sacred to my heart, something that would forever be mine, and mine it was. I’m sorry for this, but you will never see them, as they are only shown when I am unclothed.

The overlarge green shirt circled my waist, never actually touching my frail skin. I tucked the bottom of my t-shirt into my bra, allowing my stomach to show. My concaved stomach, the ridges of my ribs poking through occasionally, depending on my position and the part of my ribs. My hip bones protruded out, leaving pointy bones to smack things into. I’m looking at my stomach, and I’m still not skinny enough, I never will be. That was a fact, not an opinion; I would never be good enough. Just thinking that got me into the mood.

I whipped my hand to the side of my stomach, tearing off a piece of my pale flesh. The wound poured out crimson red blood, making a little puddle on the granite countertop. It wasn’t enough though, and I centered one about an inch above my belly button, making a mark there. The skin teared, leaking out even more blood. A wet paper towel was already out and ready for me and I wiped up the blood off the counter and cleaned my cuts enough to make sure that it didn’t seep through my clothes too much.

I untucked my shirt before rolling it down and making sure it covered everything. I placed the razor under all the junk in the drawer, flushed the toilet as a fake, and washed the caked blood off of my hands. The handle wobbled before I heard a sigh from the other side of the door, the door obviously had been locked. I was definitely cautious about my cutting, not letting anybody know.

I opened the door to Lyle’s questioning face and Easy A’s title screen on my television. Hopefully I can handle tonight.

Stop trying to save me; I’m already gone. I’m sorry for taking years from you, you don’t need to protect me, the only one who hurt me is, well, me. Sorry Lyle and Sara. Well, I doubt Sara would care about this in any way, since apparently I’m ‘taking away her boyfriend’. I’m sorry Sara if you think I threatened you, but I would never want to do that, you believe me, right?

Why can’t I tell you the truth all the time? Why can’t you know how hurt I really am? I wouldn’t even know where to begin expressing it in words. The cuts line my stomach, my wrist is too obvious. I’m sorry for this, but you will never see them, as they are only shown when I am unclothed. I’m looking at my stomach, and I’m still not skinny enough, I never will be. Not an opinion, a fact. No matter if you can see my bones, if my stomach is turned inwards, I’ll never be enough. I hope you know that.

Lindsy.