So Strange

I'm Here

Chishiya's POV

  Hot water runs down my back, taking remnants of the hair I just cut down with it. Clippings and strands swirl around the drain for a moment. White and black clumping together before eventually sinking down the drain. Despite it being my own hair, it's still kind of gross to watch. The sight puts probing feeling in my stomach, like someone is groping at the tissue from the inside. Maybe that has more to do with the man I'm scheduled to see today.

  As I continue to bathe myself, I think: "Is going to Niragi's house a good idea?" I've this before, and the answer is obvious: Of course it's not. He'll probably try to do something to cause me disturbance. Maybe it won't be a worst-case scenario, but still, it's impossible for something not to happen. So I'll go in as prepared and vigilant as I can. I'll make quick note of his home to see if there will be anything readily available to use against the ravenette.

  I sigh under the hot water, now thinking about the present; maybe a little bit of the future. The future...

  What does my future look like? How long will I have it? I find myself asking these questions often. Will my future hold pain? I guess that's unavoidable; pain is a natural element of life. Will I be successful? What does success even look like? One could argue that I already have everything I need to succeed. Then why, my whole life, have I always felt so unaccomplished and pitiful? And has it truly been always? Since as long as I can recall, I guess. Or maybe my brain just doesn't care enough to remember. But even the recent past seems redundant. And the recent past has been filled with nothing but...

...Niragi

  My dreary eyes shoot open. I swipe my hair out of my face and look around as if there's someone else in this small shower room with me, as if someone else said that name. Maybe the apprehension of visiting him is causing me more stress than I thought. Yeah... I spend so much time in the shower that my daydreams are coming to life. If I'm not careful, I might just die here one day; too enveloped in the running water of my thoughts to notice death creeping up behind me.

  Hm. When I die, I'd prefer to drown. Like I'm drowning now; drowning in the recesses of my own mind. Relieving myself of the outside, where everything is linear yet completely illogical. I no longer wish to be part of the chaos. I'm made for more than this. Or perhaps the complete opposite.

  The flow of the water trickles off the further right the handle goes. I step out of the shower and plant my feet on the drying mat. The towel on the rack isn't very absorbent, I remember. But it's soft and conducts heat well. Nothing can ever be everything, can it?

  I wrap the soft fabric around myself and tie the corners neatly above my chest. The fog on the mirror has mostly evaporated now. As do most things at some point. The fog is such a fragile, particular thing. It only exists under the right circumstances, and it doesn't last for very long. Just like... all life, really.

  I finally roll my eyes at myself. I need to channel this existential energy into myself. Otherwise, I'll just rot in my own hopelessness.

  Showers usually jump start the nihilistic side of my depression, and I become too aware of every negative aspect in this reality. I don't know why; the water just does that.

  Usually, when this happens, I'll write about it, then evaluate after, but I told Niragi that I'd arrive at his apartment between 2:00 and 2:30. Mm, who really cares? Niragi can wait.

  After tying my hair into a low ponytail, I put on the clothes I selected. Nothing special; a black T-shirt, and gray sweatpants. I'll put my jacket on later.