Pov Dumps

Lost

Pandemic stopped...

Face to face classes started....

It wasn't like the old days..that I missed.

It was unfamiliar...I know no one from this class.

I was ALONE.

A lonely girl in the front with her face always in the cellphone.

.......................3 days ago.

“Mom! Mom! Let's buy this!"

“Oh please slow down...tone down your excitement child.."

“But mom how can I? It's back to school! I can talk with my classmates we can have so much fun together!"

“I know I know but still be careful and always wear face mask don't go near to every stranger and always put alcohol—.."

“Relax mom.. I already know that– the modules always says that. I'm tired of seeing it,hearing it, reading it..."

I sighed....

I was truly tired of it... It was always about COVID this COVID that pandemic this and that...

1 day before school...

“Mom...I don't wanna go to school anymore... I'm scared.."

“It be okay plus we already bought your stuff aren't you excited to use them?" She smiled and pat my back.

“I guess so..." I was convinced by her response.

The day the school started I looked around and everyone seems already known each other while I in the other hand known no one...

I expected at least one to talk to me but it seems like they're not curious... The school isn't like what it used to be..

I started to question myself...maybe I wasn't pretty enough to be taken an interest...maybe I looked mad...I didn't mean to stare rudely at them...

Questions that I wished somebody could answered me truthfully...but I had no one..

“How's School?" She smiled

“It was great mom!" I didn't want to look pathetic.

But deep inside it was breaking me.

I tried talking to one of my classmates today I could feel they didn't liked me.. I wonder why... One question that can't be answered.

I tried being funny and made a joke to a crowd.. nobody laughed... I silence myself and awkwardly left. Tough crowd.

I tried being like them....but it didn't feel good... But! They talked to me!! that's good! I think–..

I found myself with a group of friends that was a bad influence..I knew but I didn't wanna be alone.. we talked bad at people's back we laughed at they're imperfections... It was noisy everything is going smoothly! This is great!

And I came back home...mom isn't here again.. I shouldn't be sad and just be grateful that she's working so hard for us my brother.

My brother was busy with his friends and school works..he didn't come home yet..

I was all alone again....the things that I did the way I talked behind people's back haunt me.. the regrets..The– the guilt was eating me alive at this dark and quiet house.

I couldn't cry...I was frustrated I couldn't expressed or take out my feelings...so I slept until the morning comes again.

Tidy myself up

Look at the mirror just to see how ugly I am.

I couldn't look any longer and left just to enter again a room full of strangers... It made me sick...but I couldn't throw up even if I try to.

I couldn't expressed myself any longer.

The feelings that I contained was forcefully trapped in a bottle.. I waited and days passed by... I waited for those feelings to finally break the bottle but it didn't break..

I didn't know I was the only one that could break it..

Days and days passed by I gave up on making friends I accepted my imperfections I hauled myself in the darkness I accepted it's cold embrace...I try to look away from my problems with the help of technology.. it only worked for a little. I hated the night. I hated how I didn't even know what was wrong that I couldn't sleep and why I keep having trouble breathing and why do I keep having nightmares with a small room full of darkness and I was just there staring at the silver ball floating around in the middle of the quite and dark room no light can be found except all you can see is the silver bead Infront of me..

It entered my mouth. It blocked my air path. It choke me. I couldn't breathe tears started to fall... I thought I was dead but luckily I woke up...

I was sweating having a hard time breathing chest tightened and lost..

It was getting worse every night and I couldn't bring myself to ask for somebody's help. I don't know why.
I just don't want to be seen like just an ordinary teenager being overdramatic...

I repeated the cycle I forced myself to eat so that i can survive another day.. I forced myself to smile everytime. I forced myself to sleep even though that I know I might suffer again in my nightmares..

Until I breaked...the bottle finally break... The tears flowed like a faucet my voice that couldn't be contained my screams my pain that no one understands.. that no one knows... The pain that I couldn't tell or explained... I just let it out...

And I just knew it will come back again and again until I figured out why do I have this cycle...

But I never figured out why...

I stayed lost..and still can't ask for help if I myself don't know what's wrong with me...

Just another broken teenager they say...

I don't wanna hear those.. because I was one of those people that can't and wouldn't and never understand those broken people even though now...

I'm one of them.

I won't accept it.

I'm fine.