Mum x
You used to be my hero at one point, but I will no longer be coming back saying "I'm sorry" to get scolded by you and told I'm a selfish person and all you've ever done is love me. It turns into you telling me all my "faults" and me just nodding and promising to bend to your will to make it easier and apologizing some more. Never has an apology been uttered by you to me. I am to accept you as you are, because you gave me life, damnit. I'm never enough for you! Even though I sacrificed everything for you! I know that if you ever read this, you will shout through fake tears "I gave her everything! A roof over her head! A bed to sleep in! Food in her belly!" But those are things you as a parent are legally required to do. The times I dared to speak my piece left you in tears and the guilt worse than before. I am to accept you as you are, because you gave me life, damnit. But, I am to be molded into what your idea of a perfect daughter is. Even though your idea is constantly changing. Never am I enough for you. You are my mother. Of course I will always care for you in some way. But I don't have to have a relationship with you. And I will not have a relationship with you until you realize you have made mistakes. Remember what you said to me the day you saw one of the scars on my arm? You looked at it and said "You know, if you want to kill yourself, you're supposed to do it the other way". Yet I still bend over backwards to try to please you. Why? Because for some reason I think that eventually I can get you to love me. But that's stupid isn't it?
its never appropriate or RIGHT to smack or put down a child, NEVER, full stop. I never felt loved or secure with you mum. I was always scared of the next outburst, of either physical of verbal abuse. You screamed and screamed and screamed about how worthless I was. How everything is my fault. I am not something for you to push around. I do not "owe" you anything. I do not "owe" you for giving birth to me. Because you completely ruined my childhood. I always just wanted you to love me and keep me safe. I don't think you ever wanted me, or ever liked me. your job is to take care of ME, not the other way around. The hateful words that would flow from your ugly mouth was how I knew my day would start and end. Bruises became natural to me. The blows to my body and objects being thrown at me were normal parts of the day. I started coming up with excuses for everything. Why were my legs covered in bruises? Why did I have bags under my eyes? Why did I look as if I was just crying? What I want to say to you is - I never asked to be born. Do you know how taxing it is to always feel like you're to blame, even when you never had a choice on the matter?
I dream of the day that I can change my number and move somewhere without giving you the address so that I'll never have to speak to you again. I'm the black sheep lols. I remember the good times
that we once had...but manipulation is you're superpower!Blamed me for everything never believed a thing I said..you shattered my dreams I dropped out of college to help you I was a straight A student until I started focusing on you! And helping you with the kids but that wasn't good enough was it.I'm just a disappointment to you aren't I mum! I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you! But I never asked to be born mum!
I'm ready to take my life back. I don't know if I'll ever stand up to you or tell you off the way I dream to, but today I'm making the decision to stop letting you control my thoughts about myself. You're never going to accept or love me, but I will no longer allow that to affect the way I feel about myself. Easier said than done? Sure, but the healing starts now.
