11:11

11:11 a.m

" that's exactly what she wanted."

she wanted to love him, in a way no other female had ever before. she wanted to say "i love you" anytime she wanted to. everytime mara was invited to "tag along" with his date, her heart began to break. piece by piece, broken into broken. why did such a good person have to deserve this? mara just wanted to be loved, to feel important. guess she would have to feel loved while looking at her love kissing another girl. "is it possible for my shattered pieces to become more broken?"

she wanted to be the only girl he would touch, fingertips stained on her skin. his explosive kisses were drugs to her, addicting. secret glances that she wished were true, stuck inside her made up universe. tender touches that she inflicted on her self, just because he would never do it himself. midnight cuddles trapped into a dimension to never exist. "the touch of fire may not be there, but i sure do hope the love is."

she wanted to be connected, jigsaw puzzles never solved. i was a puzzle that was thrown to the attic because i was too hard. she wanted for them to feel bridged. synchronized laughs at the same part of the movie, (which they would never watch.) she wanted to be crying for the same thing, the food had burned, (which he would never make.) she wanted to be angry because they had both seen a poor kid getting beaten, (which they would never see because they weren't standing on the bus together.) she wanted to be distressed because work was cutting into their private life, (which she didnt have one.) she wanted to feel infinite. "maybe infinte is to long for me to be without you."

she wanted to be loved, aden wasting nights so he could write the perfect poem. laughs and cries shared for things that never could have happened. she wanted to wonder what he would cook for their (non) anniversary. she would spend her nights, alone, sobbing on why she couldn't he loved. throwing things and getting frustrated because he didnt know what she was feeling. dead, because she couldn't feel anything. "is happiness too much to ask for?"

she wanted to be alive. but you really couldn't when it's four in the morning and you're crying so hard it hurts.

you couldn't feel alive when you think about a medicine cabinet.

you couldn't feel alive if you drove to the bridge where the almost kiss almost happened.

you couldn't feel alive if you took out the letter you wrote, adressing each and everyone you ever talked to.

guess you couldn't feel alive when you're on the edge of a bridge, waiting for death to take you. waiting for unwanted feelings to vanish before making a decision.

you aren't alive if you jumped.

at exactly 11:11, she never felt more disappointed. looking down, she never realized until now, how much she wanted to let go. how much she wanted to know.

she wasn't alive, she was dead,

at the bottom of a body of water.

"but maybe 11:11 wishes only exist at night, when all of the stars are up and all the shooting stars are flying through the sky."

she had said to him, the only thing she had the courage of saying. every word she had said dissolved into the air and became softer and softer until silence was made. this time, it would be different, this time, she was ready.