Starry Eyed

5

How far can love actually go?

That's what I thought to myself as I walked out of my dorm to Hayden's car. I knew that I loved Hayden. I really did. 

But when you're constantly being treated like you hold no value in someone's life you have to being to question how unconditional love can truly be. 

"Hey." I immediately broke the silence as I got into his car. 

"Hey, Ro." he greeted me. "What's up?" 

A lot...hence why we are having this meeting in your car right now. 

"Just life." I answered plainly. 

There was that awkward since that I was dreading. 

"So, I am not really sure where to start, and to be honest, I hate how awkward this feels." I admitted

"Me too. Th awkward part." Hayden agreed.

I thought about all of the thoughts that had been consuming my mind, journal, and heart for the past few months. I knew what I had to say and there was no pretty way to do that.

"I don't think that we should see each other anymore." I finally broke.

I could hear him take a long hard breath. 

"Well, Rowan we were never really together." Hayden spoke. 

And this is exactly why we were here.

"My god, Hayden." I could feel myself start to get frustrated. "You have made it quite clear that you are not my boyfriend, we are not in a relationship, whatever you want to call it. But you still felt something to let down some of your walls around me, sleep with me, and all of the other coupley shit we did."

"You talk big shit about wanting a future with me yet you do nothing to prove to m that you mean what you say. You shut down, and you constantly throw girls in my face, to be frank, you're just being an asshole! I deserve way more than what you give me."

"You treat me like a fucking call girl and I do not deserve that. Ever since we put that dumb ass beef to the side, I have always been there for you and I don't feel like that energy is reciprocated. I deserve to be taken on dates, spontaneously given flowers, and properly shown off! I'm more than a late night booty call." I just let out all of my feelings. 

He just shook his head. "I don't know what you want me to say."

He was never going to fight for me in the way I fought for him and it hurt. 

I just looked at him and he looked so unaffected while my heart was breaking. 

"This is why I cannot do this anymore, Hayden. You don't give a fuck about anything or anyone except yourself!" I opened the door.

"Really, Rowan? You know that is not true." he shot back.

I rolled my eyes. "You are so full of yourself. Talk to me when you grow the fuck up."

I would be lying if I said it didn't feel good to give Hayden a piece of my mind, but it hurt me to my soul to know that the boy that I loved and cared about so much didn't care enough to keep me in his life.

He let me go like I meant nothing to him and no matter how pissy mad he was, I knew that I meant something to him at one point. He just didn't care anymore. 

I gave myself twenty four hours to be sad before I got back on my feet again. After all, I had to worry about cheer, becoming a successful influencer, and being a good student. 

Naomi took me dress shopping with her for her parent's anniversary party which I was very excited about. Shopping always helped to get my mind off of all the shitty things going on in my life.