Not me

I miss you

You said forever. Where are you now ?

It's been a month he let everything behind.
He disappeared. No clue, no call.
He said it would be the two of us, forever...

-This person is not reachable, please try later.
Not answering. Never.
I try to keep my calm, and my tears. A part of my tears.

We used to hug all nights, drink hot chocolate in front of random romances shows since I love it so much.

It was always this way. Even if he didn't like something, he would say that my smile could change his mind on the subject so it wouldn't bother him.

It began with pink tulips.
It ended with white ones, true love ones. Pure and sincere.

I miss it. I miss everything about him.

The way he would look straight into my eyes when I'm upset to bring back a big smile on my lips.

I miss our late night talk, the hours we spent describing how much we loved the other.

I miss his eyes, in which I never could have truly see through.

I miss the moments he would open up and show me his tears. His broken hearted nights when he used to let go everything.

It's sad seeing it from this side but I would rather like him to show me his pain than to hide it forever, making him feel so damn lonely.

I was there and he was there.

Our late nights talking would rather end up with a warm hug or broken dishes on the floor of the kitchen.

That's what I hated the most.
He would never hurt me. But he would hurt himself, a lot.

I tried everything, but it never worked out.
He was still a mystery to me.
A tall guy with dark eyes. Sometimes sweet, sometimes devastated.

He never told me what it was.
I guess I would never know.

••

- I love you.
-I love you, I say.

He looks away and comes back to me a moment later, wrapping his hands around my shoulders.
He kisses my forehead and I close my eyes. It's warm. His presence is.

-Remember when I told you I never dated any woman ? He asks.
-What do you mean ? You lied ? I joke.

He shakes his head, still pretty serious with this sweet look.

-I thought it would take me years and years to date someone because I've always seen this like a pact. I knew that if I dated someone it was because I would be in love with and stay with forever. It's how I see love, eternal. You are my first and last love. Will you be my forever ?

I don't answer in the moment because I'm too stunned to speak. This man has my hole heart. I don't know everything about him, but I'm willing to. I think he is the reason I was born.

-Yes.

••

I dream of this almost every night:
I'm running, really fast, to the kitchen. My lungs crack. My bones seem to disappear as I fall on the floor, seeing him. The dishes are broken and he's lying close to it, his eyes closed.

-Is she breathing ?
-Yes, she just fainted again.

These two voices seem so far.

-Is she okay ?
-I thought she was getting better but she's still hallucinogenic.

I think I'm in some sort of hospital room.

-She lost her husband ?
-Her boyfriend. They where really close that's why it's so hard for her. His family never took care of their poor boy. He was left over, surrounded by his parents drug issues and his grandma's loss. He couldn't handle it and kill himself with a piece of broken dishes. When she got home... she saw him on the floor...
-Oh poor girl...

-Her brain plays with her memory, she thinks he left home. She doesn't remember he went back before-

-Who are you... I ask, my head hurts.

-You're okay, we're here to help you. Do you remember anything ?

Tears are falling from my eyes.
I miss him.
-Where is him ? He never called back... I want to see him.

My skin is burning, my throat is irritated. Was I screaming right now ?

-Doctor !
-Hold her back she starts again.

I hold my neck so tight, I can't breath.

My cheeks are salty, it reminds me of that night. He told me it was too hard to handle it...