Not me

I bet you hate it

I don't know anymore.
My brain is empty.
"I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have" that's what I tell myself every minute of every day since I left him, in front of the white roses bush, under the rain. It always sounds more dramatic, right ? I guess every times something wrong is happening. Love under the rain, it's only in movies.

I try some chords to concentrate but my hands shake too much that my guitar can't stay still in my hands.
"I wanted you to stay"
Why am I so stubborn ?
"If it happened, it was supposed to" I'm trying to convince me but it doesn't work.
I touch my rings one by one to keep me awake, to remember I'm still here.

My phone is not that far.
"I can't, I can't. I made a decision, I have to endure it."

My guitar falls down like the drop on my cheek which freeze up. I grab my headphones with the fingertips and stay still for a moment, as an inanimate sculpture.
I'm floating above my body. A dead soul.

"I can endure it."
"He saved me and I let him down. How I'm I human ?"
It's too much to handle.

My phones rings. I let it rings and turn it off when it's done.

I'm sobbing so hard my breath is short. Sometimes the air goes through my lungs, sometimes not.
"What am I without him ? Nothing. I'm nothing, just a few molecules out of time, floating to an undefined point.
I cross my arms on my shoulders and try to calm my heart.

                                     ⌑

𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬-

-Why ? Give me just one reason.
I look at him straight in the eyes, the heart in pieces, someone else is talking.
-I won't be back in a year, at least.
This last word takes me a moment to prononce.

-You know I will wait.
I trust him more than myself. But I know that if I leave him behind I'll get anxious all the time because he could forget me and turn the page I took so long to write.
-I can't.
His eyes are fool of despair.
-I can't wait for years, hoping you'll still need me even though I'm not in your life anymore.
I'd rather suffer now than die day by day. How am I despair at the point to think about that ?

-We should stop here.
I feel a drop on my face. It's not mine.
The rain is pouring. Just a perfect timing to tell me I messed up. I won't listen to the rain. I won't listen to anyone, it's better like that.

He drops the red roses he was holding near the white roses bush. The red fades away with the rain and the white of the other flowers.
My heart fades away too. I'm still jaded. My past emotions are coming back.

I walk away. I'm in apnea for several seconds, my heart is too tight.

"I bet you hate it. I do too, but you'll see, you'll be happier without me."

                                     ⌑

"One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three."
After the count, my heart beats again in a mad race.
"I want you back."

It's been a week I left him.
I've been crying for a week. Isn't it funny ? I did dump him.
I want to scream till I break my vocal cords. Maybe then, I won't be able to say dumb things I regret right after.

I'm living the country in 4 days.

-I want to see you. I whisper as my brain is drowning deeper.
-Open your eyes, treasure.

I'm shaking again.
He's been there for a moment.
I didn't even noticed his touch, too familiar to me, as if he was part of me. I understand he came in to hold my hands on my shoulders, gently cradling me.

-Sorry, I kept the keys. I got scared when you didn't answer the phone. I'm used to you, now.
He lifts his hand to my face, wiping off my tears as he always do.

It's warm in his arms, I want to stay. But I realise.

-No... no, let me. I can handle it. You'll be more broken if we stay like this.
I try to push him away but he holds me tighter.

-Stop being so stubborn. I won't leave, and, I no you can handle it, you're strong. But I can't leave without you. Even if it's just a daily call, some letters... I have to keep in touch with you or I'll die of sorrow.
He looks at me straight in the eyes. I'm melting away.
- Do you want me to die ?
I shake my head from left to right as he draws a smile on his face.

- Uhm, that's good. So, can I stay with you ?
My lips shake as my hole body.
Fuck, I love this man.

I close my eyes and he kisses my lips.

I stay in his arms for a long time, I can't even count, we're just good like that.

I take a look at my lily's vase in front of the window. The rain is pouring again, like that day.
Is it wrong ? How do I understand the rain ?
Today, we made a mistake, we signed for the long and painful ride. But as long as we're together it'll be okay. The biggest mistake was to give up on our lives.
That's what the rain said.