Drowning in the Distance

XXIX | Y/N

I open my eyes. I stare at the ceiling, everything coming into focus, the pain from the surgery radiating across my entire body; my chest thrumming with the agony of the new organs inflating and deflating inside of it.

I try to look around, but I'm too weak. There's people here, but I don't see him. I try to speak but can't because of the ventilator. My eyes land on my mother's face and she holds up a package.

"Y/N?" My mum whispers, holding it out to me. "This is for you." A present? That's odd. I struggle to rip open the paper, but my body is weak. She leans over to help me unveil a black sketchbook inside, the words on the front reading:

FIVE FEET APART.

It's from Hyuck.

I flip through the pages, looking at cartoon after cartoon of our story, the colours jumping out at me. A younger version of myself, clutching Junnie tightly to my chest, and then the version of me at the lake, the small plush resting on my lap as I look out across the frozen water; me dragging my luggage across the hall that first day on the ward, the bag much bigger than myself; us arguing in front of the NICU, my mask pulled down as I glare at him; us atop of the roof, him balancing atop of the ledge like he had that day; the two of us standing on either side of the pool cue, fingers wrapped tightly around the wood; us floating underwater, eyes wide open and grinning at each other; the filled table at his birthday party, all of our friends gathered around; me spinning around and around on the icy pond, nearly falling over; and then there are two realistic drawings. One is a drawing of me, that day from the gym when he'd asked about my master list and I'd finally agreed to let him draw me. He drew me as though I were beautiful, my skin somehow glowing as I look out across the courtyard below, my hair somehow less frizzy than usual, my eyes brighter... happier.

And then there's a drawing of a handsome face, his bright smile leaping off the page and filling my heart with a mixture of love and grief. Jaemin. His features are perfect, each detail replicated as though it were a photo, the stripes of his favourite jersey peeking out from the bottom of the page. I run my fingertips gently across his graphite cheeks, tears welling up in my eyes. I wish you could be here with me, Jaem. I really do.

My shaky fingers reach to turn the page once more, for the final time, as on the last page is the two of us. In my small cartoon hand is a balloon, the top bursting, and hundreds of stars pouring out of it, rolling across the page to Hyuck. He's holding a scroll and quill, the words "Haechan's Master List" written on it.

And below, a single item.

"#1: Love Y/N Forever."

I make an attempt at a teary smile and look around at all the faces in the room. Then why isn't he here? Irene takes a step forward, propping an iPad up on my lap. I frown, confused. She presses play.

"My beautiful, bossy Y/N." Lee Donghyuck says, his face appearing on the screen, his hair its usual charming mess, his smile as boxy as ever. "I guess it's true what that book of yours says—the soul knows no time. These past few weeks will last forever for me." He takes a deep breath, smiling with those deep brown eyes. "My only regret is that you never got to see your lights." I look up, surprised, as the lights in my room suddenly go out. I see Irene standing by the switch.

Suddenly the courtyard outside my recovery room window is ablaze, the entire space filled with the twinkling holiday lights from the park, twisting around the lampposts and the trees. I gasp at they cast a glow into my room. Doyoung and Irene unlock the bed, rolling it right up to the window so I can see. And there, on the other side of the glass, standing under a canopy of those beautiful lights, is Hyuck. My eyes widen as I realize what's happening.

He's leaving. Hyuck is leaving.

I grip at the sheets as a different kind of pain takes over. He smiles at me, looking down and pulling out his phone. Behind me, my phone starts ringing. Taeil brings it to me, putting it on speaker. I open my mouth to speak, to say something, to tell him to stay, but nothing comes out. The ventilator tube hisses. I try to somehow tell him through my look not to leave. That I need him. He gives me a faint smile, and I see the tears in his glittering honey eyes.

"Finally, I've got you speechless." He says, his voice pouring out of the phone. He raises his hand, putting it up against the glass of the window. I weakly raise my own, resting it on top of his, the glass just the latest thing keeping us apart.

I want to scream at the top of these new, godforsaken lungs.

Stay.

"People in the movies are always saying, 'You have to love someone enough to let them go.'" He shakes his head, swallowing, struggling to speak. "I always thought that was such bullshit. But seeing you almost die..." His voice trails off, and my fingers curl against the cool window, wanting to smash it, but I can barely manage a gentle knock. "In that moment nothing else mattered to me. Nothing. Except your life." He presses harder too, his voice shaking as he continues. "The only thing I want is to be with you. But I need for you to be safe. Safe from me." He fights to continue, tears streaming down his face as it blurs, tears welling in my own eyes. "I don't want to leave you, but I love you too much to stay." He laughs through his tears, shaking his head. "God, the movies were right."

He leans his head against the window where my hand rests. I can feel it, even through the glass. I can feel him.

"I will love you forever." He says, looking up so we're face-to-face, the both of us silently seeing the same pain in each other's eyes. My heart slowly cracks under the new scar. My breath fogs up the glass, and one more time I lift a shaking hand, a singular finger dragging against the glass to draw a heart. "Can you please close your eyes?" He asks, his voice breaking. "I'm not gonna be able to walk away from you if you're looking at me." But I refuse. He looks up, seeing the defiance in my face. But the certainty in his surprises me. "Don't worry about me." He says, smiling through the tears. "If I stop breathing tomorrow, know that I wouldn't change a thing." I love him. And he's about to leave my life forever so that I can have a life to live. "Please close your eyes." He begs, his jaw tightening. "Let me go." I take a moment to memorize his face, every inch of it, and finally I force my eyes shut, squeezing them tightly as sobs wrack my body, fighting with the ventilator.

He's leaving.

Hyuck is really leaving.

When I open my eyes, he will be gone.

Tears stream down my face as I feel him walk away, much farther than the five feet that we agreed on. That was always between us.

I open my eyes slowly, some part of me still hoping he'll be on the other side of the glass. But all I see are the twinkling lights in the courtyard and a town car in the distance, disappearing into the night.

My fingertips reach up, shaking, as I touch his lip print on the window. Our first and final kiss. A kiss good-bye.