Drowning in the Distance

XVII | Y/N

"Why didn't I pack anything nice?" I yell in exasperation to Jaemin, who leans against the doorway of my room and watches me struggle. I throw pyjamas, hoodies, sweatpants and baggy shirts out from the drawers as I frantically and desperately search for something to wear tonight. It's like every outfit that I've ever worn that I thought was nice is no longer good enough. The boy stood under the doorframe snorts with laughter.

"Oh, 'cause you always pack for a hot hospital romance?" His voice is teasing, underpinned with sarcasm. I shoot him a glare, pulling out a skimpy, lingerie-style dress that I got as a present from Momo, Tzuyu's older sister for my birthday. She'd told me to go out, enjoy the outfit and make sure someone else did too. I'd gotten used to her brashness, so I laughed it off. I must have accidentally put it in my bag when I was packing. It was probably wrapped up in a shirt or something. I hold the white piece of fabric up, eyeing it cautiously. I couldn't. Could I? I mean, it's either this or a pair of baggy flannel sweatpants I got as a hand me-down from Yeji.

"Is this see-through?" I ask, holding it up to my body and turning back around to face Jaemin. He raises his eyebrows and looks me from head to toe, then back up to my face, pushing away from the wall and standing upright in the centre of the doorway.

"Boo, you whore." He says, giving me a deadly serious look before his façade cracks and the both of us burst out laughing. We I think of my friends on their last night in Hawaii, and for the first time since I got here I don't wish I were there. If anything, I'm glad I'm not miles away right now, otherwise I wouldn't even be going out. I wouldn't have even met him. As great as Jaemin is, I wish Karina and Tzuyu were here to help me get ready. I never really went out with them, usually too tired to do anything like that, so I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to dressing up like this. I glance over at the clock on my bedside table. Six o'clock. I have three hours to figure something out. That shouldn't be too hard... Right?

I take a deep, wheezing breath before pushing open the doors of the atrium, stepping inside and observing the empty room. I cross it, standing over by one of the sofas that form several incomplete rectangles. My eyes wander nervously and in my averting gaze, I notice an ugly red vase filled with white roses. Huh. I'm sure the hospital won't mind. I gently pick one up and bend the stem around the top until it snaps in two. I put the stem back in the vase, watching as it falls out of sight, and tuck the white rose behind my ear. Looking at my reflection in one of the mirrors that line the walls, I give myself a smile, nervously fluffing at my hair and smoothing the crinkles in my dress. My hair is down, the front tied back with the sunshine yellow ribbon that tied the pop-up bouquet's box shut and I'm wearing the scanty lace dress, despite Jaemin's giggles and comments about the Virgin Mary. Mascara coats my eyelashes and sparkly gloss sits atop of my lips. Overall, I look pretty nice considering I had to work with the worst date wardrobe known to womankind. I mean, really. The Kakegurui and One Piece pyjamas were cute, sure, but they weren't the date kind of cute. Though, it is nice to know that Haechan actually likes me for me. Considering he's seen me kitted out in pyjamas, baggy clothes and hospital gowns, he clearly isn't in this for my good looks and unimpeachable fashion. 

I adjust the latex gloves on my hands, making sure they're on properly and that they're comfortable before triple-checking that the Cal Stat is still hanging off the strap on my portable oxygen. It's been hung there the other two times I've checked, but I'm nervous. I glance in the mirror once more before taking a seat on one of the sofas facing the door, looking through a side door leading to the empty children's playroom, a wave of nostalgia hitting me as I stare at the murals that decorate the walls. Jaemin and I used to sneak in there to play with the non-CFers whenever we were in hospital as kids, wanting to have some fun. That's another thing that CF took from me; the ability to play like a normal child, to run around without care and to just have fun with my friends. I either got too out of breath to play like that, or it wasn't safe enough. In hindsight, there is no way that we should have been playing with other kids in the hospital, who knows what kind of illnesses they had, but I don't regret it. I don't regret seeking a sense of normalcy in a life where all normality is stolen from you. I look away from the playroom and around the room. The atrium hasn't changed at all in the ten years that I've spent in and out of here; it has the same fake plants and trees, the same brightly coloured flowers in ugly vases, the same huge fish tank right by the doors, where Jaemin and I got in trouble with Doyoung for throwing crumbs from our vending-machine doughnuts to the fish. The atrium may not have changed much since my first visit to Saint Evangeline's, but I sure have. Being a six-year-old and being terminal, having the odds stacked against me, I've had so many firsts right here at this hospital that it's impossible to tally them all. My first gift from Yeji, Junnie the Moomintroll, named after my late best friend, Renjun. My first surgery, an intussusception at age 7. My first best friend, Jaemin. My first constant care team, Dr. Moon, Irene and Doyoung. My first drug trial, a combination medication containing elexacaftor, ivacaftor and tezacaftor called Trikafta. My first strawberry milkshake, from the cafeteria downstairs. And now, my first real date.

A slow creak pulls me from my thoughts and I turn to the door immediately. I watch as Haechan steps out from between the double doors and peers around the room. Now more than ever, I wonder why he likes me. Just like he did when I first saw him, and every time since, he looks fresh out of a DAZED photoshoot.

"Over here." I call to him, standing up to hold out the pool cue to him. A huge smile breaks out on his face as he notices me, and he approaches, taking the other end of the pool cue in his gloved hand, a small bottle of Cal Stat shoved into his front pocket. He looks away from my face and looks me over, the smile melting from his face as he stares at me.

"Holy shit." He breathes, the words coming out in a whisper. My cheeks grow warm and a bashful smile tugs at my lips, taking the time to take in his appearance. He's wearing a black dress shirt, paired with striped Adidas sweatpants and a pair of black trainers. How could he pull of sweatpants so well, with a dress shirt at that? It's unfair, really, how one guy can be so attractive. His eyes look an even more intricate shade of brown, glittering under the fluorescent lights as he looks down at me. His hair definitely has some kind of product in it, swept back and exposing the sun-kissed skin of his forehead. It's combed, but still maintains the scruffiness that is implausibly attractive. "That's a gorgeous rose." His voice is quiet as he speaks, the words taking a second to register. I look back up at his face, but his eyes are still on my exposed legs, the dip in the neckline of the dress. I feel my cheeks heat up, lifting the gloved hand that isn't wrapped around the pool cue to point at the rose tucked into my hair, just behind my ear.

"Oh, this rose? This one? Up here?" My voice is teasing, playful. He reluctantly pulls his eyes away, dark eyes meeting my own, giving me a look that no other boy has given me before. A small shiver runs up the length of my spine at the gaze, so intense that it makes my gaze avert back to the floor.

"Yeah. That's the one." He says breathily, nodding at me. I spare a glance up at him, to see his eyes intently focused on me. Not my legs or the dip in the neckline of the dress, just at me. For the first time in my life, I feel equally as unself-conscious as I do self-conscious. I tug gently on the pool cue, indicating that I want to start walking, and so he follows, our feet carrying us through the atrium and towards the main entrance. He looks to the side, noticing the foul red vase overflowing with the petals of white roses sitting on the table, his eyes crinkling as he smiles. "Stealing roses are we, Y/N? First a whole foot and now this? Who even are you?" He teases, a smile playing on his plush lips. I roll my eyes and let out a quiet laugh, reaching up to let my fingers brush over the rose petals that remain tucked just behind my ear.

"You caught me. I stole it." I quip, giving him a smile and taking a few steps away from the ugly vase on the table. He pulls lightly at the other end of the pool cue, causing me to turn back around to face him. He's shaking his head at me, a twinkle in his eyes and a soft expression on his face

"Nah, you didn't steal it. You gave it a better place to live."