I somehow managed to get up from floor but my legs had become numb, my mind all messed up with the thoughts of yesterday and my stomach growling from hunger.
I went to the kitchen to make myself some coffee but instead of mixing in some sugar I mixed up the salt, and I did not realize it until I had it. My mind really wasn't working well and I literally had lost my senses. I really could not take it anymore, and the suicidal thoughts had over whelmed. Of all the feelings in life, depression by far is the worst Ive experienced.
The clock in the living room tick tocked but the time did not seem to pass, they say the worst feeling is to wait for someone in life because the time doesn't pass but what I think is that it's to get over some one, to fight depression and to move on.
I showered to get away from thoughts but it didn't seem to help, there were no more songs that came out from my mouth, they had transformed into screams for help. The tears rolled down from my eyes and I felt like drowning in that water or cutting my wrist from the razor blade that laid beside the shampoo bottle. There was no more dancing and laughing in shower, but just the memories of being with him.
I slipped on a pair of jeans that I realized were his favourite, I took them off and threw them away, I wish I could throw the memories away like that but it was not simply possible...
I realized that I slept almost 10 hours and it was 12 in the morning and I had missed out my school,
"Uh shit"
The date on the calendar was 23 April and it was my bestfriend's birthday today, but I forgot to wish her, she must have hated me for that but little did I care about people in my life anymore.
I walked to the bed to get the book I left there so I could return it to the library, that book spoke so much of what I was going through right now but little did I understand at that time. I left the house and went to the library which was near my house so I walked to it. I usually reached there in 10 minutes but today it took me almost half an hour. My eyes were sore and burning from the sunlight although it wasn't a bright sunny day but the weathers didn't even matter anymore in my life...
I reached to the library, returned that old book and issued a new one, it was 'the great Gatsby' I sat there in my usual place, in the corner table of the library but then I realized it wasn't really a nice idea to come here, I started getting nostalgic over the memories from past, his eyes that met mine across this very room, the time he spent with me on the same table staring at me while I was reading the book, when he would hold my hand while it rested on the table, I really couldn't help myself but cry, I cried there while all the people in library stared at me. The librarian walked to me, she was really nice to me actually.
"What's the matter with you, Linda. Why are you crying?"
She hugged me to comfort me but it did not really stopped me from crying, I weeped so hard that my voice had dissappeared.
"Do you remember Kim?"
"Yeah I do, your boyfriend right? What happened to him, please tell me!"
"He left me...."
I cried so hard on these words that the voice of my cry was echoing in the library.
"You deserved better, you'll find someone better, stop crying my child"
"But I want him, only him..."
I loved him from the depth of my heart and even the thought of him leaving me used to scare me and now I had faced my worst fear and I was not really ready to tolerate it, to face it, to go through it...
Somehow I got up and reached home with a red nose and teary eyes. My parents had left for visiting some relatives who lived in the other city so they had to come back after 10 days or something so till then I was all by myself in this huge house.
I started reading the book which I had issued from the library but the thoughts did not seem to go away, there were actually no monsters under my bed but there was one in myself and it was winning, I really was trying to fight it but it was so hard to win, so hard to run away...
