This is My Last War (Attack on Titan // LeviHan) - Part 3

The Founder's Dilemma, Part 2

"Hey, big brother."

Eren steps from the shadow of the red brick building into Zeke's path. This is where they agreed to meet, the courtyard is empty, there is no threat. And yet, his heart is pounding in his ears, he has a fierce headache, and now that his brother is finally standing in front of him after such a long time, he's assaulted by a confusing mixture of hope, disappointment and dread.

Will I get it right this time?

He takes a deep breath to calm down. He has to keep it together. The luxury of wailing in misery is not for him, that's Reiner's sorry-ass routine and Reiner is a loser. He doesn't plan to be one too.

The air is free of soot and free of the internment zone's stench after the rain earlier this morning, it's light and fragrant, giving him a sudden bout of homesickness. Sometimes, he misses Paradis with its untouched forests and flowery meadows so much it feels like a knife twisting in his gut. Paradis during the time they did not know the rest of the world existed? Paradise. If he could, he would freeze time and live on the island in ignorant bliss with Armin and Mikasa forever.

But what time? There never was true happiness.

"Eren!" Zeke's eyes light up briefly before he goes back to looking tired and aged way beyond his years. "Welcome to the internment zone!"

Zeke has taken an impulsive step in his direction with outstretched arms, but he pushes his hands deep into the pockets of his khaki trousers instead of coming closer. It's because he doesn't want to touch Eren by accident, they've discussed this. Zeke thinks they're not touching because they're not sure what will happen. He is wrong, Eren knows. And that is why the small gesture makes Eren want to hug the man who shares his blood all the more.

The gesture of brotherly affection also takes the rest of the barely sustained anger out of him. Without his anger, he isn't going to make it. Maybe he isn't going to make it even with the anger? Believing in himself becomes harder and harder with every day that passes. If he could, he'd cry at Zeke's shoulder. Maybe he is much more like Reiner than he wants to admit to himself. It is so damn fucking hard. It is so damn fucking confusing.

He is young but feels old. He knows the past and the future but knows nothing. He shies from the consequences of his actions that he feels proud of. He wants closeness, forgiveness, but won't ever get it. He is the Attack Titan, hardwired to transcend time in his quest to fight for the freedom of Eldia. There is no escape, only despair and necessity, in the past, the present, and the future. Forward, you move forward, never falter! His battle cry rings hollow, he has lost his sense of direction. It feels like he's running in ever tighter circles, in his quest to make the future stop. Forward? Where is forward?

"Did you see the parade? Grandiose, wasn't it?"

Zeke's sarcasm is tinged with a bitter note. He frees his hands, the left is holding a crumpled packet of cigarettes. He taps one out and lights it with practiced, smooth moves, blows the smoke into the air, tilting his head just so, his eyes briefly hidden behind the reflection of his glasses. He's never offered Eren a cigarette. Why is that? Because he thinks Eren is not old enough to smoke? Because he still doesn't trust him? It's those small things that can drive Eren mad at night.

"I did see you," Eren confirms. "I was hiding on top of a house, behind the chimney."

The Titans are a sight to behold, even if you're a titan shifter yourself. The Beast, the Armor, the Jaw, the Cart, the Warrior candidates riding on their shoulders - simply magnificent, it took some will not to get affected by the cheering of the crowd. The war machines, polluting the air with their fumes and noise, are like annoying insects next to the glory of Titan. But he better not fool himself: There are weapons that can end a Titan now, even the Armored. They are running out of time fast.