Jake Peralta x Reader

Tagger

I'm sitting at my desk as Jake arrives. He notices that across from me, aka in his desk, is Captain Holt.
"You're 3 minutes late Peralta" he says. Jake explains that he had some sort of plumbing problem. He asks for a "departmentally issued phone" which leads me to believe he threw his phone in the toilet again. He senses Captain's no.

"Really? I'm a few minutes late so you're gonna call me out infront of everyone?" he complains. This backfires because it gives the Captain an idea to call him out infront of everyone. I excitedly go to him, happy he's getting scolded not just from the Captain but infront of everyone as well.

"Okay fine I get it i'm late. I'm sorry for doing one thing wrong." He puts emphasis on one, which everyone with a brain older than 1 should know that's complete bogus.

"Oh it's more that one thing." Captain points out. "Let's start with the Kristov murder."
"It was an amazing solve. He confessed in 20 minutes"
"You also mislabeled the evidence which meant the confession could've been worthless if the sergeant hadn't caught your mistake. Here are 3 cases with sloppy paper work. And here are too pictures." He pulls up 2 pictures of horrendous trash everywhere. "One is your locker. The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you guess which is which?"
"The right one?"
"They're both your locker." I giggle at this

"This folder is labeled "Undies, dirty"
"So I won't confuse them with "Undies, clean. And who cares about these rules? I have more arrests than any other detective here."
"You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective here."
"Algerdon!" Jake picks up the mouse as everyone groans in disgust. "You guys Algerdon's back!"
"Get rid of the mice. And get your act together."
"Someone's grumpy" he whispers to Algerdon.

We all gather in the briefing room to discuss and update everyone on ongoing cases. I go sit beside Jake.
"Why hello pretty lady, what are you doing in this area? This isn't really the scene for girls like you" Jake winks
"haha very funny now shut up" I roll my eyes
"Wow. Kitty's got claws"
"Santiago, where are we with the Jay street drug bust?" Sargent asks.
"There are 12 keys of coke unaccounted for, but we got a warrant to search the dealer's apartment."
"Good. Take Boyle and Diaz"
"Dream team" Charles says as he takes a sip of his coffee

"Peralta, brief us on the vandalism case"
"Welp. There's no easy way to put this sarge." Jake says as he walks up to the front. He looks at me quickly and then looks away, focusing on the presentation. He keeps doing that every time he goes to present something for some odd reason. I then realized I had mustard from on my cheek from my breakfast. Maybe that'a why

"-but someone's been painting wieners on squad cars. And apparently, they won't stop until there's a penis drawn on every cop car in Brooklyn."
"So that's what he's been drawing." Hitchcock says. "But what are those 2 round things in the bottom?"
"That's the butt" Scully says.
"The butt??" I question softly
"I assume you have a plan to catch this gentlemen" Captain asked
"Did you just say genitalman? If so, kudos. And yes, I have a plan. I'm gonna plant a decoy squad car as bait. Meanwhile, I'll be waiting in an u deceiver vehicle."
Sargent deflects. "He's already tagged 3 UC vehicle. He can spot 'em clearly. You should take my minivan."
"A minivan?" Me and Rosa laugh
"You all got a problem with my minivan?" Sarge says angrily which makes everyone immediately stop laughing. "Cause my wife didn't like it either. She wanted an SUV. But these things roll man. They roll!"
"That's a good idea Sarge. Peralta'll take the van along with L/N and me."
"What? You're coming with me? And you're coming with me?" Jake says looking at me which earns him a glare from me. "Sir, with all due respect, I don't need backup."
"It's not backup. It's babysitting." I said, smiling. Rosa laughs at this.