The Wattpad Game

14. I can hear them laugh

It couldn't get any worse than this, and yet it does.

I don't have time for a trip to the loo, so I go back to class right away with my hair all clinging together and my top drenched in Coke. I walk to the back of the room, and I can hear them laugh.

I sit there with my coat still on to hide the incident, yet I have eyes to see them all looking into their phones. The orange "W" of Wattpad appears all at once on their screens, and now I have to survive this.

My hand shakes uncontrollably as I pull my pencil case out. I refuse to let go of it like I refuse to cry in front of them all, and instead, I stare at the empty white board.

It felt like yesterday when I first uploaded it. Yet I was only fourteen years old when I wrote "Of Tears and Fire." I posted it in AO3 as a fanfiction of Lords of the Ring with female characters instead, but at that time, my English was bad. No, it was really ugly.

The comments on it weren't nice or kind, so I took it down and shut my account, writing it on my own for a few more years until I heard of Anna Todd's success story. I wanted to believe in it again, so I opened up a reader account on Wattpad. I read every good story out there, took notes, learned, and even went so far as to watch every movie in English with French subtitles. I wanted it.

Now I'm ashamed of it.

The day passes quickly at the university when your hand fails to take any notes. Life suddenly becomes a screen that you go to watch in different-shaped rooms until it is time to go home. Yet, I can hear them laugh.

The spontaneous sounds of their amusement follow me everywhere, from each room to the hallway and even to the restroom. A girl bumps into me at its entrance and instantly looks away; she is Adelaide. We knew each other since we were three, but who wants to be friends with the girl whose parents don't allow her to go out at night?

As I step into the toilet to rearrange myself, I jolt at my reflection in the mirror. Who is that girl staring back at me? Who is this person with curved-down lips and messy hair? I just want to cry at her, so I run into one of the cubicles, shut the door tight, and sit on the toilet seat to cry. I cry for two hours straight, wishing for them all to be gone, but even in my ears, I can still hear them laugh.

I wait there until the last minutes, until they shut down the building for me to leave. I breathe in, bend my head down to my chest, and walk to the bus station. At least no one I know is taking the bus at this late hour, and even then, I can hear them laugh. I can hear Robert telling them about my book. He has always been on my back since day one. It was with the best intentions at first, but it turned quickly sour when I refused to go on a date with him. Since then, he has made my life a living hell.

Everywhere I went, he was there. Everywhere I looked, he was too; he even went so far as to dine with his friends at my parents' restaurant.

I swallow in fresh tears, still wondering how I wronged him to deserve this until I check my phone. I have more than a hundred notifications from Wattpad; I overlook them and fear grows over my face.

A new user commented, "Gosh, you wrote that?"

Another one said, "No wonder you are so quiet in class!"

"XD This is so funny, knowing how she is in real life."

"e-M-i-l-i-e D?"

I switch off my phone as the bus stops and two students from my university hop in. They sit just before me. They look back at me, then at their screens.

I can hear them laugh.
I can hear them laugh.
I can hear them laugh.

And I can't take it, I can't. My hand smashes the stop button, and I jump out of the bus within a second. I run out in those dark alleys with tears bursting out of my face. If only there was someone, anyone, who could talk to me or anyone who could just take my own life, but the street is empty, just a mere throwback to my pitiful reality.

I trip and fall—typical salt on my wound—and I end up limping back to my home. I'm here at 8 p.m. sharp, and I stare at my parents, who are busy running their restaurant. They look so happy. They look so happy without me, and if only I wasn't there, if only I hadn't been born, they would have been so much happier.

I rush to my bedroom and fling my bag onto my bed. I sob as I can hear them all laugh at me. They are everywhere around me, stronger than ever, armed with their comments and armed with what Robert fed them.

"Of Tears and Fire" is my power, the escape from my disgusting self. No one knows the real M on Wattpad; I was just this anime avatar that they all loved. I was just there without my heavy luggage, and now I will lose everything.

My knees buckle down as my phone keeps buzzing in with new notifications until I take a good look at the last one. Jane had just tagged me in her review of my book.