blush ; muke au

final farewell

toby,

we bless you with everything we didn't have.

we wish you to have the best possible life in our absence.

it may seem strange that we are both writing this letter. when i say 'both' i am referring to your fathers: luke and michael hemmings-clifford.

however, in your small world we are merely a passing thought.

your memories, no your whole being, was once the center of our earth and it will continue to be just from another realm which is barely within your reach.

this does not mean that we love you any less because you are tobias hemmings-clifford and no one will take that away from you. your whole identity will still be that determining factor that keeps us all together.

i don't wish for you to resent me, this is michael, i want you to know that if I could rid of you this grief i would take that opportunity in a heartbeat. I know that you were young but I also now that you knew something was up (you get that intelligence from luke). I tried to not make the process emotionally straining but I guess you can't do that in a situation like ours.

this is luke now, you might be wondering why you did not receive this letter in the past after you father passed but we both decided it would come from a collective voice and also you were extremely young it would have seemed more appropriate for an older tobias, so I am now continuing the rest of this letter.

i love you.

michael loved you

we both love you so much it is physically impossible, being a parent is possibly the scariest job you could ever take on because you are allowing yourself to bring a tiny innocent little human into such a destructive and painful environment. the heightened need to protect is even worse due to the fact that you were incapable of keeping yourself out of harms way.

you may think i'm rambling on about the very physical threats of the world, no ,if I only worried about that then I would not be doing this job right. I feared for your heart, your fragile little ticker, i feared school and the pupils lying beneath those doors. i feared your first love because that could inevitably lead to your first heartbreak. i was frightened by anything out of my control.

but I guess that's life.

funnily enough I never really took in that fact that michael's death would affect me I only focused on you. I focused on that fact that you would be alone, a small boy at that mere age of 5 whose memories were pretty much malleable.

it's pretty ironic that both your father and I had terminal conditions yet michael was somehow taken at a much quicker rate. do not let that hurt you though because I know how much your father had suffered in his life so I believe that he was granted a faster refuge.

and i was prolonged for you, my little ball of sunshine, i stayed as long as I could for you and I spent every moment loving you the way you should be by a parent. the love that lacked within michael and I before we had met, that unconditional beating of the heart that put michael's condition at a temporary stalemate. that same beat that kept me here for my little boy.

at 2 years of age, we met you for the first time.

at 5 years of age, michael had passed on but not without a fight (your father fought every obstacle to be with us).

and at the tender age of 9, I had to bid farewell too.

please tobias, if you gain anything from this incoherent mess of emotions remember that you were loved, you were our sun, our lives were revolved around making you happy and before all the depressing stream of hospital visits I truly believed we achieved that.

lastly, I have kept all the little messages between your father and I when were teenagers. I am very aware of that fact that you won't be able to ask anyone about us, michael and I weren't very sociable, but I hope these little blasts of our the past provide a pretty candid picture of us and one that is hopefully everlasting for you.

love forever,

luke and michael a.k.a the coolest guys in the world.

ps. we were dorks.

pps. dorks are cool.

ppps i don't mean to suddenly end this letter with a stupid note but michael was always one to make a light of a very sombre situation. in some ways I see you growing more and more alike to your father and honestly I could not be happier.

pppps. keep levelheaded, stay kind, stick to your guns and remember your fathers are always watching so don't try and pull anything we wouldn't condone.

a/n
only one more part left guys.