the king and the pauper

Feelings are Strange

I entered the house and leaned my body against the door hoping that it would support me and help me to take a deep breath. I feel overwhelmed by all these feelings that are swirling around my body. I feel angry at June's comments and I feel so sad at the fact that Elvis has a girlfriend, for some reason that is what is hurting me the most. Why am I jealous? why does it make me sad and why is it hurting my heart? I have never fully liked a boy before yes I've had childhood crushes but nothing has ever felt like this.

" Holly sweetie are you ok?" Mother asked confused as to why I was leaning against the door

" Yeah, I'm ok. I just feel sad today."

" Is this about that young man not being able to come over?."

" yeah, that's part of it."

"was he and his family ok with it? I know that it is short notice."

" No Elvis and his family were so understanding and kind towards me. They are a lovely family "

" Come with me and ill make you some tea and we can talk about it." Mother said walking towards the kitchen while I gather my strength and follow her.

Mother makes me some hot tea and sits down at the kitchen table with me.

" Now tell me what's wrong"

How am I meant to explain to her what is wrong when I'm not fully sure of what is wrong myself? It felt strange to talk to my mother about a boy as it isn't something we have talked to each other about. I am so lucky that I know that I can talk to my mother about anything and that she would not judge me. Since the whole situation with Henry happened and remembering how badly my family treated Henry because he fell in love I'm scared that they will react the same way as me. Not that I'm in love but I know I do have some feelings about Elvis I just don't know what they are.

" I just have all these feelings and I don't know what they are and it's becoming overwhelming."

" Then explain them to me and I might be able to help you. "

" I don't know if I can talk to you about it."

" Is it about that young boy Elvis?." she asked

" yes" I add and I see her whole body tense up and I become overly aware that this may be as uncomfortable for her as it is for me.

" Well tell me how your feeling and I can help you."

"Well, I feel so happy and noticed and safe when I'm with Elvis. We are just friends and I know he doesn't see me as anything other than that. Today, when we were talking a really pretty girl walked into the kitchen and it turns out that it is Elvis's girlfriend for some reason I just felt so sad and when I saw him kiss her I felt so jealous that I could scream."

" sweetie it sounds like you like this boy."

" of course, I like him, Mother. He is my friend."

" No I mean you like him more than you would a friend. I think that you might be having a crush on this boy."

"I've had crushes before Mother and it never felt like this. It is overwhelming me. These feelings are so strong."

" Do you love him, sweetie?"

"No, I can't love him, Mother. We haven't known each other for long."

" That doesn't mean anything. When I was with your father I knew after 2 weeks that I was in love with him. Time has no meaning when it comes to love. Love isn't something that is measured by time it is measured by your heart and I think your heart is telling you that you love him."

" That would explain why I feel so strongly about him but it is so hopeless Mother. He has a girlfriend and he just sees me as a friend and I don't know if I can cope with seeing him with someone else. It just makes me feel so sad and I can't cope with it."

" Well he might not be with her forever and if you continue to spend time with him as a friend. Maybe when he is single again he might look at you differently. We just don't know what God has in stall for you. If this Elvis boy was meant for you then he will come to you just don't lose hope."

" Mother you are so wise and I know your right  but my heart still hurts."

" It will hurt sweetie this is your first love and everything is new and it is harder when the love is just one-sided but this will pass honey. You just have to pray and give it all to the lord and he will show you what you need to do."

" I have faith in him and your right I just need to have some patience and believe that it will all work out. "

"I am so proud of you sweetie. You are so strong and wise and kind for someone so young and no matter what happens never lose sight that you are an incredible person and you're loved beyond measure."

"I love you, mama"

" Is that everything you need to get off your chest?"

" well, not really mama. When Elvis was driving me home and he pulled up outside our home. June his girlfriend made some remarks that just upset me."

" What did she say, honey?"

" she said about how Elvis must have made a wrong turn and said something about this being poverty and that it looked like no one had lived here since the 1920s"

" And did you say anything back to her"

" not really. I just said that I'm sorry that my poverty offends you. I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed by the look on her face. She was horrified."

"Are you ashamed of us Holly?."

I looked at my mother shocked that she asked me such a question

" No, I'm not ashamed of my family or of any family that lives here."

" Then why are you ashamed?."

"Because we know the looks and how people's demeanours and opinions change when they find out were from Peony housing. We suddenly turn from being human beings to being poor trash who are lazy and should not be trusted. You have had to have noticed the second you say where you are from that ladies hold on tighter to their handbags thinking that we must want to steal them."

" I know all about the stigma that this place brings but I'm also thankful for it. Those people who pass such judgements on us have hate in their hearts. The type of hate that we will never get to experience because they hate while we love. The judge while we help. I will always want to be a part of this community that we have because I'm proud of us all."

"I really do agree. Everyone here works so hard and they do things honestly and with an open heart no matter what life throws at us we always just get up and get on with life. I know I should not feel ashamed at times and it must make me a horrible person."

" You are not horrible. It is different for you as you are young. Your life is so different to everyone else your age and I know it's hard. It is hard to deal with judgement and stigma at your age and in time you will learn how to deal with it and to not care. You just have to work through this tough stage to get to that point and you will do it. Don't let the comments that this June lady said to affect your heart. Not everybody can deal with poverty never mind grow in poverty and still turn into this beautiful young lady like you have. "

" You have made everything feel better since I was a kid and you still manage to do it. I am convinced that you are magic"

" I'm not magic im just a mother"

" your the best mother and I love you"

"I love you most"