The Flash - If I said it again, would you believe me (Savisnow oneshot)

If I said it again, would you believe me

A/N: Warning that this fic is quite intense in places, a fair bit of angst to it (including heavy angst right off the bat). It starts off with Savitar being a complete jerk to Caitlin, though there are certainly reasons for that which come up later (still shitty behaviour but there's a character explanation at least). Anyhow, their situation does get better slowly after that and it's told linearly but there are time skips since it's shown via snapshots along the progression of their relationship.

Big thanks to simple_dont_mean_peachy for betareading this.

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If I said it again, would you believe me

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"I love you, Cait." He says it so softly and yet it still cuts across the distance between them, creating a line held taut with the entirety of her attention captured by it. She holds her breath waiting for what comes next, enraptured by the spell those tender words are casting on her.

"I never allowed myself to think about the possibility before, I couldn't. But now things are different and I know how I really feel, how I've always felt about you, deep down."

Silhouetted in the semi-darkness of the pipeline cell, all she hears is Barry and all her brain sees is Barry too—until Savitar steps forward to reveal his true face. There's that telltale smirk of his and eyes that crease at the corners in scornful disbelief, that say Really? You really fell for that? For all that Barry is a terrible liar, Savitar put on a masterful performance for her.

"That's what you wanted, right? What you've wanted him to say for years. Those words just like that but from your Barry. Too bad that's never going to happen. Because he's never really been your Barry, has he? You worship at the altar of your unworthy hero—"

She turns on her heel and flees from whatever else he intends to say. She's heard enough. Even when he raises his voice in frustration at her ignoring him, demanding to be heard through sheer force, his words don't register to her any longer other than as white noise drowned out by the thumping of her racing heart. She can only concentrate on her breathing and taking one rapid step in front of the other, resisting the emotional onslaught that threatens her until she's found sanctuary in the nearest room. It's only then she lets the tears come, taking sucking, ragged breaths as she lets it out.

It's difficult being reminded he once was Barry, but moments like that make it simultaneously easy and horrifying to acknowledge. He knows her so well, so he knows exactly how to hurt her. She wants to believe Barry would never do that, never twist the knife in her wound if he knew how she felt, except Savitar is the proof he would under the right circumstances. It's also hard knowing that Savitar knows how she feels, that maybe Barry does too, in some way, but chooses never to think about it, never to address it. It's probably for the best, but now she's worried; what if Savitar brings it up with the others, makes trouble for her, blows up her life with that secret? Unfortunately, sowing the seeds of dissension seems exactly his style.

She waits months with bated breath for the other shoe to drop. For his spite at her ignoring him to force her hand, for him to lash out, seeking retribution from another angle. But it never happens. His anger simmers for a long time, but it doesn't come to a boil again. That one trick is the only thing he needed to successfully push her away, she realizes. She watches him push everyone away time and time again, but he does accept their help begrudgingly, at least. Eventually, the fight in him lessens as he becomes weary of saying no over and over to things being easier, being tempted by the possibility of having some semblance of his former life returned to him.

He doesn't apologize to her when he's finally freed, and he doesn't acknowledge her on Team Flash, really, once he starts interacting with them again from time to time, except when it's an absolute necessity, preferring to treat his own occasional injuries and retreating before she has a chance to protest. He accepts the space she has placed between them and, despite her concerns for his health, it feels for the best. But part of her still hopes for better for him, from him, and for their old bond not to be so easily forsaken—somehow she can't help it.