The Locked Mind

School Morning (Page 2)

Therapist: "Welcome back Lucas, how are you doing from our last meeting?" She greeted me with a warm smile and a bag of marshmallows

Lucas: "I'm doing ok, it was hard to speak about it but I think I am ready to speak more about it and thank you!!" I happily take the marshmallows before sitting down in the spot I was in the last time

Therapist: "That's good, I'm happy to hear that you want to talk about it more. Just start when you're ready.." She crossed her legs once again as she tapped the pen on her knee once again

........

I wanted someone to save me that night but no one came to save me. So the next night I stayed up, I couldn't sleep, I was scared he would come back and I was right. Not long after I dozed off he walked in, climbing onto my bed, laying behind with his hand on my waist. He pressed up against my back, I couldn't move but I also had to use to the restroom but he wouldn't let me go, I wanted to scream and yell for help but the fear was keeping me from speaking or even moving. After an hour or so of holding in my pee I ended up going in my bed, I was scared he would hit me because I peed in my bed but he didn't even move, he just gripped my waist more and it was hurting me so I tried to move his hand away but he pressed against me more.

The next morning he wasn't there, I was happy but that went away when they found out I peed in my bed so I got hit for it.

"You know better! There was a restroom across from the room! Why are you doing this now?!" They yelled at me as my stepdad was spanking me. I couldn't say anything so all I did was cry from the pain.

"I'm sorry..I won't do it again, I promise" I said as I was still crying but they didn't care that I was crying, didn't care about what I said either so I just walked away to go get ready for school. I didn't want to miss the buss or have my siblings miss the buss so I quickly got dressed and let my mother do my hair.

My siblings were quiet and didn't speak to me while I was getting ready for school, they probably thought I needed the spanking but they could have been scared of what could happen if they comfort me but its whatever. It was time to put on an act now.

We all walked over to the big tree at our buss stop and we played a little before the buss came, the driver didn't like us but we didn't like him; we all sat down in our seats and we waited to get dropped off at school. We didn't sit next to each other, I was alone in my seat as my two older sister sat together and my two older brothers sat together. I did feel left out but I couldn't do anything about it.

A bit of time passes by and we get dropped off at school; I did a big sigh before putting on a smile for my teachers and so called "friends". My friends didn't really like me and I could tell they didn't but I just acted like I didn't know, I didn't want to be alone so I just put up with their act as I was putting one on as well. I was good at acting, no one really knew I was hurting, they all thought I was a happy and cheerful kid, I smiled and laughed with others, I talked and played around, I talked to the teachers when I wasn't shy and I tried to make friends. Meanwhile, on the inside I was dying slowly, I was screaming to be heard but I know I shouldn't say anything so I kept the act on before walking into my classroom that I had to go to.

I was a slow kid, not dumb, just slow. I learn different from others so I was put into a class to help me learn; yes I was missing a bit of my other classes but this class was to help me with that subject. I didn't mind the class because it was fun but my teacher adored me, I don't know why but other people say it's because I was shy and cute. But I was just scared to be alone with a stranger, she was new to me. I was scared of her but she didn't know that because I was smiling and doing what she asked me to do.

........

Therapist: "So you were in a resource class?" She asked in a soft tone as she wrote down some notes about what I just said

Lucas: "Yes ma'am, I was." I reply back and did a short nod before crossing my legs as well

Therapist: "Did you enjoy the class, was it helping you learn?" She tilted her head to the side as she let the pen lean against her chin

Lucas: "I did, it was a fun class and I met many kind students in the class but yes and no to it helping me. She explained some of the things differently and it confused me so she would have to explain it another way but she did help me read and write correctly." I reply back with another nod from me

Therapist: "What type of kids were in there? Was it just you and her or other grades?" She kept her head tilted as she spoke to me but she shifted her body to the side a bit so she can sit a bit more comfortably

Lucas: "No, there was other grades as well, I was in 3rd grade when I started going to that class, there were 3rd through 6th graders in there but when I was in the 5th she started to get kids that were in the 1st grade and some special kids as well. It was pretty cool and fun meeting other people who needed help as well.." I let out a soft sigh after speaking and I turn my head to the side and I let a small smile appear on my face

Therapist: "Ah, I see. How did you feel being in a room with older and younger kids?" She wrote down some more notes as she was speaking to me

Lucas: "I felt a little shy and overwhelmed but that's because I didn't really know them. I was scared of the older students and I was scared of the younger ones but I did like to help people so I started to help the younger ones with what I knew and it also helped me learn as well..." My smiles goes away when I look back at her, my hands were fidgeting with a loose string as I just watched at how she took notes about me and what I say

Therapist: "I see, did it feel good when you helped the little kids?" She looked up from her notepad to see me fidgeting and to see my smile was gone but she didn't speak again

Lucas: "Yes, It did make me feel good because I didn't think I could be of help to anyone, I felt like a bother most of the time.." My legs started to bounce as I spoke to her and my hands were still fidgeting with the string

Therapist: "Mhm, I see. Time is up for now but I want you to think of a time that you didn't feel like a bother and tell me about it when you get back? You are doing wonderful, it's ok to feel anxious about your past but it was the past, I am here to help you overcome your past and I promise that you are ok in here, this is a safe place for you to speak your mind.." She put down her notepad as she noticed it was making me anxious as well

Lucas: "Thank you doc..." I stand up and stretch before walking to do the door "I will see you next time..." I smile before walking off with thoughts in my mind of times I didn't feel like a bother