deal | jjk

06

There are still many things that need to be done before you can pass with the knowledge that you did what you could to prepare your siblings for a life without you. Taehyung's eighteenth birthday is coming up in a few months, so is Dahyun's sixth. Life is going to continue for them.

An old movie comes to mind. It's been years since you saw it, so you don't remember the title or most of the plot, just that someone dies and leaves letters for their loved ones. For each big occasion, they receive a message in the mail containing words of encouragement. And of course, reminders of a love that is no longer.

You can't figure out how the dead person managed to get the envelopes to arrive on time even years after their death, but it doesn't matter, you don't intend to actually post them, just leave them for your siblings to find. You hope that they'll follow the instructions on the envelopes and open them at the right time. There hasn't really been a reason for you to have fancy papers and pens, so you'll have to settle for ripping pages from an old lined notebook and writing with regular ink pens.

Eighteenth birthday, sixth... twentieth, tenth, twenty-fifth, fifteenth... It hits you that your siblings are going to grow older than you are now. Graduations, marriages... firstborns... families...

The pen glides smoothly over the pages as you try to put your love onto paper. You don't cry, which is a surprise, but your entire being is filled with sadness.

'Dear Taehyung...'

'Dear Dahyun...'

The sun's already started to rise when you put the letters into an empty shoebox. Six are finished, but you want to write more in the coming days.

As you pull the covers away to finally get some well-needed rest, you notice something that's been buried in the deeper wrinkles of your bedspread.

A feather.

It's long and black. You handle it with care, but the damage's been done already; it's broken in the middle.

---

A lot of things have accumulated over the years, and during one weekend, you try your hand at listing a few things online—especially clothes. You've always been careful with your belongings, wanting them to hold for a long time. But you won't need them any longer, so why not make it easier for your family and sell them? They'll need every penny they can get.

Another thing that will need to be done is... planning your funeral. The sites, which you are scrolling somberly, all have lovely coffins, but the prices are way too steep. You swallow thickly and inspect your hands anxiously. It itches under your skin, but the cremation and urn combination offered on the screen is undoubtedly the cheaper alternative. You just don't want to be burned into ashes.

It's that, the thought of your body burning, that erupts your first real panic attack. June fourteenth is ten days away, and you're scared. The body—your body—that's carried you through every single moment you've ever lived, is going to be lifeless and disposed of in a matter of days. Burned or buried, you will never know for sure.

It's difficult to breathe, and you feel like the world is closing in on you. You're just lucky that you're in the comfort of your own home, sitting on your own bed and pressed to the headboard.

But before it gets too bad, you feel something wash over you. It's like a wave of calmness that rolls through your room and hits you. There's no one else with you in there, but suddenly you don't feel so alone. Your body feels weightless, like all the massive weight you've been carrying for years on your shoulders have been lifted by someone. The intense, tranquil feeling takes you out shortly after, dropping you into a deep slumber.