a joshler suicide one shot

1

*A/N: again, trigger warning: contains mention of self harm, blood, drugs/alcohol, and suicide. Please do not read if it will make you uncomfortable. Also, each paragraph alternates back and forth between Josh and Tyler, like present and past. Hope it's not too confusing. stay alive friends. stay safe. |-/*

I stared solemnly down at the bathroom sink. The very sink that I had found Tyler clutching to, the sink that Tyler hit his head on, on the way down to the floor. There was still dried blood in the decorative cracks in the porcelain. What had I done to deserve this?
*
I can't take it anymore, I thought to myself. I had said this to myself over a thousand times. and here I was, saying it again, clutching a razor and a full bottle of pills. The pain I felt in my chest from living had somehow started to outweigh the guilt I was used to feeling. It used to be, "No way, I can't kill myself. I can't leave josh. What would he do? All the pain he'd feel would be all my fault." But now, it was just simply, "Oh well."
*
The blade was still on the sink, the empty bottle on the floor. I squeezed his crumpled note in my hand, staring long and hard at the piece of metal that had taken him away. My chest felt hollow, but filled to the brim with concrete at the same time. I couldn't breathe.
*
The blade tugged at the first few layers of skin, and then slid easily through the rest. I couldn't even feel what was happening as I sliced through muscle cords and nerves. All I knew was that I couldn't move my fingers, and that I was getting blood everywhere. Sorry, Josh, I thought. I'm sorry you always have to clean up my messes.
*
The adrenaline that coursed through my body threw me into a panic attack. The elevation of my blood pressure and the quickening pace of my heart spread the alcohol I had drank through my body quicker than I could hope, and I could feel the pills inside me eating away at the lining of my stomach. It would be over soon.
*
My mind was spiraling, brain function decreasing. but somehow through it all, I remained conscious. Which was something that I had not planned on. and as I clutched the bathroom sink as the blood poured from my body and the pills killed my nervous system, I realized what I had done was a mistake. and when I saw Josh in the doorway of the bathroom, screaming my name and crying, I knew it was already too late. My legs gave out, and my arms let go of their hold on the sink. I fell forward, and I heard my head hit the sink, but I didn't feel it. I collapsed on the ground in a pool of my own blood, and Josh was at my side. He held me in his arms, bloody and convulsing. He screamed my name and cursed God, the tears never ceasing to fall from his eyes. Eventually his voice faded, and then I couldn't see him anymore.
*
I had successfully copied the intricate cuts that Tyler had made on himself, cutting into muscle and tendons and rendering my arm useless. I watched sadly as the blood poured from my arm, and remembered what Tyler had looked like standing there just days before, with his blood all over the floor. I looked like that now. I sank to the floor, sitting in my own blood, wishing there were someone here to hold me as I went, just as I had held Tyler. Soon, though, I thought. Soon I can hold him again.