I can't do this anymore... (English)

Chapter 1

His phone rings, he doesn't want to answer. He doesn't want to leave his bed, his cocoon, the only place where he can really be himself, where he can feel safe. And then, what time is it? If it's really important, the person calling him will leave a message and he'll see it later.

His phone can't seem to stop ringing, so he takes it, so he can at least turn it off. By doing this, he sees the time : 7:10am, well, he should already be ready at this time to leave with his best friend. In fact, he should have woken up at 6:00, but he probably didn't hear his alarm.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't even bother to answer the call... He sees that it's Iwaizumi, the best friend, who was trying to reach him, so he quickly dresses while calling his friend back.

"Well! finally you answer !" Iwaizumi said angrily.

"Yes, sorry Iwa, I forgot to wake up!" Oikawa replies in a tone that he wanted playful.

"Okay, hurry up, I'm at your door !"

With that, his friend hung up. He wouldn't show it, as he knows Oikawa doesn't like to talk about his problems, but Iwaizumi knew his friend was not feeling well. These two had known each other since a very young age, so when one was not well, the other knew it. And even more than that, they read each other without even having to speak.

A few minutes later, Oikawa arrived near his friend. The two headed to their high school, it was time to start the week. On the way, the two were talking as usual. Iwaizumi could see that his friend wasn't well and it had been going on for a while, but he didn't want to rush Oikawa. So, he didn't show his concern, hoping  that his friend knew that he would always be there for him.

Oikawa already knew that the week was going to be long, like all the others. But he has no choice, he must continue a little longer. Anyway, others are going through much worse things than him. It was with this in mind that he went to class.

The young man didn't really have any friends outside of Iwaizumi and maybe their volleyball team as well. Sure, many people seemed to like him and talked to him, but these people weren't his friends, they were just casual acquaintances. Not to mention the fact that some pretended to know him, when they know absolutely nothing, at least they only know what the boy lets people see.

He would have liked to have other friends, but he knows that means having to talk about certain sensitive subjects. He is willing to listen to others and their problems, but certainly not bother them with his own difficulties. There's no way he would want to get his classmates' pity, he doesn't need it, he couldn't bear it.

The day passed like an ordinary day. A really exhausting day for the young man, he was exhausted, but he has to keep up the act. He would give so much right now just to get back in his bed, but he knows that outside of his room, he doesn't belong anywhere.

"I have to take myself in hand... now is not the time, ... yet" he said to himself just loud enough that no one could hear him.

He can't afford to break down, now is not the time. So many people rely on him, he can't let them down, that would be selfish of him. So, with a step that he wants determined and confident, he simply heads to the gym to start training.

In fact, do they really need him? Wouldn't he better disappear?

He feels that it would be better for everyone if he left, if he disappeared. Only, once again, it's not the time, not yet. Maybe soon, but not right now. For now, he has to focus on training and on the image he shows to the world. He must keep up the act, show that he is doing very well, the best in the world.

It's ironic though, he feels like he's dead inside, but on the outside he looks better than he ever did.

Anyway, he's going to train as hard as ever, continuing a little longer after training is over. Pushing himself to his limits is all he can afford to do at that moment, if he hurts himself doing it, it would almost be a good thing.

Pain to fill the emptiness of his existence, to soothe his wounded heart, that's all he needs. Well, "need", in reality probably not, but he feels like he needs it. He feels a need to punish himself for existing, what he forgets is that he himself did not decide to exist, so he shouldn't want to punish himself, but he can't do anything about it .

Emotions are complex, hard to understand, so other people probably wouldn't understand, he can't talk to them about it. He would be a burden.