Hope's Peak Academy

I had laid my shoes on the ground behind me. As I sat on the edge of the rooftop and looked down.

'A fall from this height would definitely kill. Or at least put me in a coma.'

I thought about what would happen if I just pushed off the roof and didn't die. Who would visit me in the hospital? While I'm hooked up to numerous machines tracking my bodily functions to make sure I stay alive. Like my heart, my brain, my oxygen levels. Who would be there?

Would Ruruka come and feel guilty for the way she treated me? Would she blame herself? Would she bring Izayoi or would she keep him away from me? Would she hold my hand while I laid there motionless? Would she cry? I've seen Ruruka cry countless times over tiny things. I wondered if something as big as her bestie dying would make her cry.

Would they bring me gifts? Like balloons and stuffed animals and knick knacks? Or sweets? That's one thing I wouldn't have to worry about while I was in a coma. Them bringing me sweets and forcing them on me.

Wasn't my sweetness towards them and Izayoi enough to make up for the fact that I couldn't eat their sweets? Why wouldn't they just look at me as a person and not a machine? Why wouldn't they just hold my fucking hand and tell me "You're my best friend."?

'Is it wrong to have these thoughts about Ruruka?' I thought. 'It is wrong, isn't it?'

I shouldn't want her to hold my hand or stroke my hair the way she did with Izayoi. Not just because she was with Izayoi, but because everyone sees us both as girls. It's wrong to have these feelings about another girl. It's wrong to have these thoughts about another girl. Even though we aren't girls. Everyone will see it that way.

So killing myself is a good idea.

Good to get rid of another gay person, right?

If only everyone in this school knew about the way I felt and thought, they would never ask for anything from me ever again. They would never look at me the same way again. They would never look at me again

But oh God, the nights I lie awake thinking about what a life of just Ruruka and I would be like if they saw me as a person. And I cried. And I would cry those nights. Because I knew the thoughts I was having were wrong and would never come true.

But I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Another reason I wanted to kill myself was because everyone at that school either treated me like garbage or overwhelmed me. It seemed to be on purpose. It seemed that nobody realized I was a human being. They only treated me like a machine.

Not to mention, Hope's Peak Academy prided themselves on keeping their children safe and sound. But I managed to get up to the rooftop without a problem. I even left my bag in my lab and nobody noticed. I had been up on that rooftop for at least an hour now. And nobody had come looking for me. Or checking the rooftops.

Real safe establishment, in my opinion.

Although, I still rehearsed what I was going to say to anyone if they came up here and found me. "I just needed some fresh air." But now that I've gone far enough to take my shoes off behind me and sit on the edge of the rooftop, it might be hard for them to believe that one. I would still use it, though.

I thought for a few moments that I was being selfish by taking my own life. I was the Ultimate Pharmacist after all. I would be taking all my knowledge and resources out with me and I could never help people in the future with it. Maybe there would come along a day where the world broke out into a full blown pandemic and I was the only one who could cure the disease? I wouldn't just be taking my own life, I would be taking millions.

But I quickly stopped caring.

The only person who was ever nice to me was the woman who ran the orphanage where I ended up after my parents... gave me up? Failed to parent me? I actually don't know what happened to my parents. I had very fuzzy memories of them sitting with me in countless hospital after hospital when I was really young. But I was so young and going through so much, medically, that I couldn't remember what they looked like. Or what they were like. Or why I ended up in an orphanage.

And I curse myself for that everyday I'm alive.

The woman who ran the orphanage I ended up in was the kindest person I had ever met. She would hold me when I cried, encouraged my love in pharmaceuticals and understood my boundaries when it came to the other kids. I miss her. I wish I could run into her arms right now and cry about everything that was wrong with my life so that I didn't feel the need to take my own life. But she's gone now and I am, too.

I was always ashamed to tell Ruruka and Izayoi about the fact that I was an orphan. I remember one day Izayoi asked me why I was late to the park we always met up at and I told him "I was helping my dad with the chores." and from that day forward, I continued to make up lies about my parents.

Like that my mother worked a really well paying job that she never talked about and my dad worked a shitty job so he was around more than my mother and we had a close bond. I feel like as we grew older, the two of them - Ruruka and Izayoi - knew I was lying about my parents because it's very uncommon in this country for the woman of the house to have a very well paying job and the man of the house having a shitty job. They never mentioned it, though.

Maybe they just didn't care.

Or maybe they weren't listening to begin with.

Either option is believable.

In my final moments, I was so disappointed in myself. I let myself get walked all over my entire life and never fought back. I chose the pussy way out and ended my life. And I was never at more peace than I was sitting on the edge of that rooftop, looking down at the ground below me. Knowing that I had the control to end the misery whenever I wanted and the ground would aid in doing so.

The ground was my best friend.

Not Ruruka or Izayoi.

My hair blew around me in the wind when I heard it behind me.

The door.

I took a deep breath and placed my hands on the edges of the rooftop, holding it tight.

"Kimura?" It was Sakakura. I noticed his voice anywhere.

"I just needed some fresh air," I mumbled. Then I pushed off the roof.

"KIMURA!"

You know how everyone who's ever attempted suicide always says that when they're about to die they realize all their problems could be solved? I was hoping to feel that. But I didn't. I felt nothing but pure peace and serenity. Feeling my limp body cut through the wind and quickly make its way to the ground gave me a high.

Then just like that

black.