hate me - eren jaeger [DISCONTINUED]

9

The stables are quiet. All the horses are sound asleep.

"I'm sorry I took long. I ran into Eren." I tell Armin with my arms wrapped around my body in an attempt to keep myself warm.

"It's fine," he pats the empty space beside him on the crate he's sitting on. I sit down, waiting for him to talk.

"I need to talk to you about your... Situation with us," he begins.

"Great, here we go again." He's gonna start lecturing me on my moral values again.

"Hear me out!" He whines. "Just... Be quiet. Listen... In Marley, how are Eldians treated?"

"Like shit," I shrug. "What are you trying to say?"

"In Bertolt's memories, I've seen how bad they treat Eldians. How, as a kid, you'd go against Marley and do your best to steal from them," he pauses. "Even I was in shock."

"Yeah. My mom was friends with anti-Marley groups. Eldian Restorationists. I was young and impressionable, so, I guess I just did what I heard about at home."

"When did you stop?"

"When Bertolt, Reiner and Annie started becoming Warrior Candidates," I respond. "And I thought, what's the use in fighting them? They're going to kill us if we continue. It's safer to become a Warrior and gain a red band."

He hums in understanding, deep in thought. "So you chose the safer route not because you agreed with Marley's behaviour towards Eldians but because it was safer?"

I blink, my brows furrowed. "Is this some manipulation tactic to make me admit I hate Marley and secretly wanna overthrow them?"

"No, I'm just asking," he shrugs.

"Oh, well... I have younger siblings, a father that's already been through hell—he's an ex-soldier—and a mother who's on the brink of getting caught as an Eldian Restorationist. One of us has to provide," I let out a humourless laugh at the irony of it all. "So, yeah, I guess I was just surviving."

He puts his hand on my back comfortingly. "That's my point," he says softly. "We all do what we have to, to save ourselves and the people we love."

I understood what Armin's getting at, but I don't want to admit to being in the wrong. I don't want to come to terms with how I wanted to hurt the innocent people of Paradis. Innocent people who don't even know what they are.

"That still doesn't excuse murder."

"It doesn't, of course," he nods in agreement. "But... If you had an opportunity when you were younger. To seek freedom. Without becoming a Warrior. Would you have taken it? Even if it meant war."

"Yes. I mean, we're at war even right now. I'm just... Not on our side..." As I say the words, I realize how messed up all of this is.

"So, then, join our side," he whispers. "Eldians deserve freedom. Just as much as anyone else. Your family, your friends... What will happen to them after your 13 years of being a Titan are over? They won't have you. Sure, the Marleyans promise them to be kept well. But have Marleyans ever kept a promise?"

The pieces of the puzzle were finally beginning to click together.

"And freedom should be something accessible to everyone, not just a select family that's slaving away for the enemy."

Click.

"And we both know that peace isn't an option. So, fight with us, Y/N. You didn't have the opportunity back then, but you do now."

No.

I lean over, grabbing my head in my hands. My thoughts are racing, and it hurts. It hurts really bad. This is exactly what Reiner warned me about. What do I do now? Do I betray Reiner?

I can't betray him.

But liberating his family from Marley. Liberating my own family. Is it worth sacrificing my friendship with him?

Armin's moving his hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me. "I know it's a lot. You were brainwashed by Marley. They turned you against your own people."

When I returned, Eren was not in his spot. I went to my room, where my blanket had been thrown onto my bed.

——— hate me

"I stopped sleeping after that conversation. All I could do was read the pages of my diary. Over and over again. And yet, it had no effect on me. Nothing. Armin's words kept repeating in my head like a broken record.

"And I realize I'm all alone. No Reiner, no Bertolt, no one. Not even my mom. No one's gonna pull me out of this."

I paused. Of course, Annie isn't going to respond. But I imagine she'd say something like why did that imbecile agree to your childish demands?

"Reiner protested for ages. He said no. Multiple times. I could see his mental health deteriorating ever since he got back... and even though it had been less than a few months, I convinced him it would be good to know where you and Bert are. And what exactly happened. I guess that peace of mind convinced him. I can't imagine what he's going through right now. I know he's doing worse. Its all my fault."

And I continued venting to Annie. Even though she couldn't respond and most likely can't hear me, she still listened. Like she did back then. Like a good older sister.

Eventually, I left. Talking to Annie did make me feel somewhat better. Because she's still a familiar face. It brings me comfort knowing she's still here and I'm not completely alone. I hope, if she can hear me, that she finds comfort in the fact that I'm here too.

I find Eren in the mess hall, alone. The sun has barely risen. As the days pass, he seems like more and more of a shell of a human.

He senses me and looks up from his breakfast. His eyes brighten, as if he's smiling without his mouth. And he waves.

I wave back, going to join him.

"Why are you up so early?" I ask him, sitting down in front of him. The mess hall is dimly lit, only a few Scouts are here since some of them have duties they need to tend to earlier. The sun is slowly rising, and the window displays the sky thats turning into pretty shades of oranges, pinks and yellows.

"Why are you up so early?" The corner of his lip quirks up a little in a half smile.

I shrug in response. "What do you think?"

He puts a spoonful of scrambled eggs in his mouth, chewing and swallowing, before answering my question. "I think... That you should let me eat in peace."

"Whatever."

I do as he says, staying silent. He sighs eventually, breaking it. "Why do you never have breakfast properly?"

"What happened to letting you eat in peace," I mock him. He rolls his eyes in response, waiting for me to answer. It's my turn to sigh. "I'm not hungry in the morning."

He hums in understanding, not really eating anymore. He's just playing with his food now. He seems bored.

"Alright, I'm gonna go do my chores," I get up, sliding out of the benches.

"Wait," he gets up hastily.

I turn to look at him, urging him on. He opens his mouth, but words don't come out. He looks troubled, like he's at war with his own thoughts. "Try drinking hot tea when you can't sleep. Levi started brewing some for me and it helps me sometimes."

I look down at the ground, a warm feeling in my chest. I've only ever heard of buttery croissants before, but I imagine biting into one would feel like this.

"Okay," I say, without looking up at him. And I turn around and leave. Leave his stupid eyes, his annoying voice and his weird attitude. Leave his presence.

I really don't understand why he cares about me.