Rant book and other random stuff

Damn

TW// SH, suicidal thoughts, self deprecating thoughts

Well last night at like midnight, I relapsed after 108 days clean, I'm not sure if I'm disappointed in myself or not but I'm more nervous about trying to hide them. Also, I had a mental breakdown where I prayed to God asking and begging for a sign that anyone aside from my family would care if I took my own life, literally crying and begging. Needless to say, they were not answered then and honestly I'm not surprised. When I posted in a vent channel of a discord server I'm in (it's for people who I used to go to school with/people ik irl), only one person responded and ik that I'm just being an attention whore but I really did hope maybe some people would care but if that was just wishful thinking since obviously no one could care about someone as terrible, ugly, fat, and worthless as me. I really don't know how much longer I can do this, especially since it's been made clear that no one outside of my family/pets and like one person would care, I just don't know if I could do it to that one person bc I know that they would actually care and miss me but I genuinely don't think any of the other people that I call friends (who clearly don't feel the same about me which is painful) would give a damn about me. Sorry for coming here and venting lmao, I'm really just having the mentally ill urge to block everyone, leave every server and just off myself, it's not like they'd notice it care anyway.