I saw him follow you up the mountain, the second Jade of Lan. The same one that wanted to take you back to Gusu when you came back from the burial mounds, to keep you there locked up, a prisoner. You said it yourself, didn't you?
So when I saw him follow you up, when I saw him holding you by your arm, as you dangled in the air, I knew that he wanted to capture you. Yes, I stabbed the rock, and yes, he would have fallen too. May be he would have survived, may be he wouldn't, but what do I care for him? What do I care for him if it meant that you could escape?
Shixiong, I knew you had to flee. I hated you for making Ajie die, but I knew you didn't mean to. Didn't your smoke snakes carefully avoid the Yunmeg Jiangs when the battle started... when you still had control? So, when Ajie died, I knew that you had lost control... I hated you for it. But I also knew that you absolutely had to flee now. That you can not fall into the hands of Lan Gusu. They would have torn you apart, or worse still, kept you in isolated confinement. I could not let that happen.
Shixiong, I knew you would survive. What's a fall from a mountain cliff to you? The world talks about the Yiling Patriarch and his corpse army. But I know that long long before that, as Wei Wuxian of Yunmeg Jiang, you were already dazzling in all that you did- that you could always attempt the impossible because nothing was ever really impossible for you.
'If you cant protect me, then abandon me' you had said when I told you to let go of those Wen dogs. And I did, because that's how it has always been, has it not? When you picked fights with Jin Jixuan, didn't you say again and again, I am doing what I want, don't drag the Yunmeg Jiangs into it? Every time we broke into the lotus farms at night, didn't you ask me to wait outside, and keep watch, because 'the Jiang heir can't get caught stealing, but I am just me'? So, Shixiong, I knew what you meant when you said 'abandon me'. That has always been the deal with us, hasn't it? You aiming the impossible and me making sure things don't fall apart... Because, to be honest, Shixiong, when did you ever need my protection? Me? Me who could never even beat you in shooting down kites? What would you need my protection for?
It seemed like a perfect plan to me- that fight we staged. Oh, and you broke my sword hand so bad, Shixiong, it took me a month to heal from it. And I thought, ok, this is it then. We keep up the ruse up in front of everyone- I rebuild the Lotus Pier as the Jiang chief and you, you are just you as always, attempting the impossible by keeping the last of the Wens alive. Nobody needed to know that we were brothers still. It's nobody's business, but us... I missed you though. I missed you so much. During Ajie's wedding preparation, I kept thinking, what would Shixiong want to do? How would he plan it? I wanted you to see Ajie in her wedding gown. I wanted you to name her son so that every time I hold him and call him by that name, I would know you are there with me, fussing over our nephew together...
I had so many plans, Shixiong. I wanted to bring our nephew to you. I wanted to tell him that this is the uncle who named you. To tell him to be careful of this uncle and to not learn any of his bad habits. To watch you teach him all kind of mischiefs and then scold the both of you together. I think, you would have made a better uncle than me, Shixiong. I think you would have done a better job.
But then, at the fight at Nightless city, you lost control. You lost control and Ajie died. And even though I hate you for it, I don't blame you for deciding to flee. With you losing control, who knows what else could have happened? It was the responsible thing to do.
But for Lan Wangji. How dare he try and capture you! What gives him that right! To take you a prisoner! How dare he! I wanted to kill him on the spot, but I could not, the Jiang chief could not have killed the second Jade of Lan without all kinds of political repercussions. And, so I stabbed the rock. How I hoped when it breaks he would fall with it. Too bad you let go of his hand, Shixiong. I wish that Lan had fallen to his death.
You let go, and I watched you fall, and I was relieved. You could escape now. I knew you would be ok. What's a fall from a cliff to you, Shixiong? You could dive down to touch the bottom of the deepest of lakes at Lotus Pier and you would run through blazing fires for fun during the autumn night festivals. You could disappear through waterfalls at the Cloud Recesses and hold down the Wen shadow owl. You came back from the burial mounds! You could do anything, Shixiong and that was even before you became the Yiling Patriarch. So, of course, this Shidi knew you would be ok if you had decided to jump off that cliff. What's a cliff to you, Shixiong?
So then, why can't I find you now? Why can't I find you? I travelled down to the bottom of the hill as soon as I could. I waited for you for three days and three nights there. I came all alone, Shixiong. Nobody else knew. So then, why didn't you show? Why were you not there?
On my way back, I saw Lan Wangji fighting with the other clans, his own clan, to keep them out of the burial mounds. I heard later that he was disciplined by the Gusu Lan clan. The details are not clear. But it has been three months and nobody has seen him since. Why did he do it? I do not understand why. I do not care why.
But, it has been three months since then, Shixiong. Why would you not come back? Everyone praises me for killing you. Which is good politically, because you are hated as always, and so it helps the Yunmeg Jiang. The Gusu Lan held multiple spirit contact ceremonies to trace you. And could not find you. And in all their great wisdom, they declared that your spirit must have been too severely fractured to be called upon. As if! They can't find your spirit because you didn't die! Isn't it obvious? Ah, it makes me laugh, how desperate they are to find your whereabouts in the afterlife, when you are very much here in this life... I want to laugh at them with you, Shixiong. It could have been one of our inside jokes. So, why won't you come back? Put on some disguise and come back.
Shixiong, come back. I miss you. Ajie is not here, Jin Jixuan is not here. And Jin Rulan is. Tiny tiny Jin Rulan, with his baby cheeks and baby palms and baby feet. Sometimes he would not stop crying, Shixiong. And I wish you were here. I wish Ajie was here. She can not be. But why won't you come back?
They say that you are dead. But, obviously that's not true. They don't know you the way I do. I know you are out there somewhere. Shirking responsibility. Leaving me alone to take care of all this mess by myself. Having fun with some Mianmian or Yundao somewhere. You even left your flute behind. I can't believe how irresponsible you are being. And how typical. But, isn't it already enough, Shixiong? You should have had enough fun already. Now, please, come back.
