We'll Come Clean

I've Got Enough on My Mind

P.O.V. Elle

            Soon enough after I wake up, doctors come in. Nate didn’t ask for them, but everyone seemed to have heard me wake up. The doctor is telling me a million things and I can’t keep up. All I can really focus on is Nate. He’s smiling, not like a smile for pictures or like he’s laughing. He’s just smiling slightly, but has a look in his eyes. It’s because of me, that’s the strangest part. Nate actually cares about me. God, I wish I could see that look in his eyes constantly.

            After awhile the doctors must run out of things to say because they get quiet for a minute. I look at them, confused. They just look back at me sympathetically. I look at Nate, he lost the look in his eyes. His features hardened and he seems to be waiting for an answer, in fact everyone seems to be waiting for an answer.

“Well, does that seem like a good idea for you, Elle?” one of the doctors say. I have no idea what they are talking about.

“Elle do you think it’s a good idea to stay in the hospital longer?” Nate asks. I’m still lost.

“I mean, yeah, I guess. Um, I don’t know. Sure.” I say.

“Okay we’re going to be moving you up a floor into teen psychiatric. There are a bunch of kids in your situation. You’ll have group therapy and it really won’t be as bad as you think it will be. It’s not what mental hospitals are like in the movies.” One of the doctors says. Wait, what? I’m going in teen psychiatric. I’m going into group therapy. Shit, I’m going to be in a mental hospital. I’m fucking crazy. I’m crazy. I need a minute. I’m panicking.

“Can I just have a minute alone?!” I shout, nails digging into my palms. Everyone stares straight at me.

“Yeah, take your time soaking this in, we’ll leave you alone. Call us if you need anything.” One of the doctors says. Everyone leaves but Nate. He pulls me into another hug.

“Do you think I’m crazy?” I ask him, tears streaming down my face.

“No. Not to me.” Nate says stroking my hair. He just holds me and I cry for awhile.

“I’m sorry I’m putting you through all this I, I ju-“ Nate lets go of me and looks straight in my eyes.

“You need to stop apologizing. You will get better. You aren’t putting me through anything. You’ll be fine. I promise. I love you,” he says and pulls me into another hug.

            A few hours later they move me into my room on the next floor. It’s completely different than what I pictured it to be. There are just kids my age or a few years younger in their rooms. None of them have belts. None of them have shoelaces. None of them are wearing ties or necklaces. Some have scars on their wrists that look like mine. I don’t plan to get to know any of them. I’ll be here for three days. I’ll get medication. I’ll finish my tour with the band. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. I won’t kill myself. Everything will be okay. Nate promised.