If Only Tonight We Could Sleep

3

Simon's pov

I lay in bed, bound by miserable feelings. I tried to find a reason why I didn't like Robert to get rid of negative thoughts. However, the more I recalled his appearance, the more my heart ached because of love. I've been attracted to Robert since I first saw him. his misty lake-like blue eyes. Pale skin softer than anything else in the world. His dark brown hair, which appears almost black by such skin. I loved him with all my heart. The only reason I don't like him is that he doesn't love me. It seems absurd, but love makes a person childish.

I couldn't sleep, so I turned on the light. Sitting on the bed, I caressed the duvet. I embraced the soft-feeling duvet. It didn't smell like anything, but it smelled quite like Robert's scent when I buried my face in it. Robert's beautiful figure appeared out of the darkness as I closed my eyes. I still can't believe I fucked with him, but I was upset by the thought that I have to act like all those things never happened, so I threw the duvet away. I hate my mixed-up behavior and thoughts. Though it doesn't change anything even if  I don't sleep or be fretful. I got up with a sigh and picked up the blanket that fell on the floor near the closet. And I found Robert's underwear between the closet and the wall. My stomach twisted. I held his underwear in my hands. A piece of cloth that touched Robert's beautiful body...I could feel my member getting hard. Robert's boxers smelled like him more than my blanket. I reached my hand into my boxers and grabbed my cock. My hands moved up and down, and a groan leaked out of my mouth. 

"Fuck..."

 It was the only thing I could say when I was distracted by lust. I took his underwear off my nose and wrapped it around my cock. It was like having sex with Robert. My heart was pounding. I stopped for a moment because I didn't want to come too soon.

"Robert... look what you have done to me."

I murmured to myself. My hands started moving again. I thought of every sound Robert made. Movement, heat, saliva.. My head went blank. My head was full of thoughts about Robert. Hand moved faster and I could feel the orgasm approaching. But before I could put his boxers away, I spilled cum on Robert's underwear. My body shuddered. It was the first time that wanking myself made me come so hard. I collapsed on the bed. I fell asleep with cum-stained Robert's underwear in my hand.

 I opened my eyes immediately by the piercing sunlight. I saw Robert's underwear in my hand. There was a visible white stain. Oops. Even though I got up I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to go to pub or club and of course I didn't want to play bass. I don't even want to go out for a smoke..No, I didn't even want to smoke. What can I do in this state. I was spiritless. I hated Robert so much. I wish he just disappear from my life. But at the same time, I hope he stays with me forever in my life and make me the most miserable and happy person in the world. I want to hold him. I want to beg him to not leave. I loathe him. I love him. I feel like I want to throw up when I see his eyes, but I want to kiss him at the same time. He is such a hideous and beautiful man. I lied in bed and thought paradoxically. I had paradoxical thoughts while taking a shower and having brunch. I sat on the sofa and thought paradoxically. Actually, I only thought about Robert. How evil he is, how angelic, how ugly, how lovely he is. I want to stop thinking. I just don't want to think about anything. I opened the refrigerator and took out the vodka. Normally, I would have added ice and grapefruit juice, but now I'm in different circumstance. My thoughts are exploding and only alcohol can stop this rush. I drank vodka until I couldn't think of anything. But rather, it made my feelings run wild. I certainly didn't think much as before. The problem is that I only thought about how much I love Robert, not the paradoxical idea. I clasped his underwear again. I cried and laughed as if I am out of my mind. Robert is the only one who can save me in this situation. I want him to hug me. I miss warm arms. his tender embrace. Laughter. Everything about him. I picked up the phone in a hazy spirit from alcohol and called Robert."Hello?""I miss you, Robert. I miss you so much that I feel like I'm going to disappear without you. Please look at me for once.""What are you saying? Who is it?""It's me, Simon."The line was cut off. All I could hear was a beep. I put the phone down too. I lied down on the sofa. Because of that, all the vodka in my hand was spilled on the floor. 

"Well I fucked it up again." 

I murmured and closed my eyes on the sofa. I recounted my moments with Robert. He won't see me any more. Even if he doesn't kick me out from the band, our relationship won't be the same.

It was a sharp doorbell that woke me up. I staggering to the door.

"Who is it?"

I heard something outside the door, but I didn't hear it.

"Who is it?"

"It's me! Robert!"

A shout was heard. You're here to beat me up. I shouldn't have called recklessly. Mary could have gotten it. I prepared myself and opened the door. Robert looked at me with his gorgeous blue eyes. He was wearing pajamas as if he was in a hurry.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

I leaned against the door stumbling and Robert looked anxiously at me.

"Yeah. Yeah. That's right. I'm fine."

I straightened myself off the door replying, but I tripped and almost fell. Robert was startled and eventually held me back. Like the day we fucked. Robert helped me to sit on the sofa and sat next to it. Robert frowned and picked up something and asked me.

"What is this, Simon?"

He was holding his boxers. I couldn't give a particular answer.

"Love makes a man foolish, Robert. Love makes people stupid. And this is what happened because I love you. Silly, isn't it? But you don't love me don't you? You're not stupid like me. Are you?"

Robert did not answer. He repeatedly opened and closed his mouth with a troubled expression.

"Robbie?"

When he opened his mouth, He grabbed me by the shoulder with both hands."Simon, I.."

I'll end it with an open ending. The rest is up to your imagination!