Thoughts of death

Letter 1

I could kill myself now, here in the moment. It would solve everything. And don't even start with sentences such as: "what about your family?", "so many people would miss you.", "you think you have it bad, look at these...", don't be so attention seeking.", "death is not a solution".As if those sentences really could change a thing. As if I hadn't already thought about them. It's just because I've thought about them, I'm certain that...

My family wouldn't give a damn about me. I mean, they would fake being sad and in grief. While on the inside, they are happy that they don't have a burden as a daughter anymore. No more money-issues cause they don't have to pay for my tuition or dorm. No more nagging on a daughter that doesn't has the fit to do anything. No I'm certain that they would be happier in the long run without me.

So many people on this world and I'm sure of it not ONE will genuinely care. I have some friends but the thing is, they feel fake. They talk to each other behind my back and in my face they are the loveliest people I know. They think I don't know, but I do. If I would say something to them about it, they would just lie and say it's not true. And I know this, cause I've tried so many times. In the end it's always my fault for not trusting them even though I have evidence. I guess I also have other friends but it's not real. You see, I'm good at making surficial friends with no deep connection. It's because I'm scared to show the real me to others. Especially because of my past and present experiences. I'm also scared they'll run away or that I won't fit in. It's a lonely route but I chose for it. And now this will benefit me because I have no real boundaries that keep me here. In this world.

I don't think I have it worse then others. I know there are a lot of people who are in much worse situation then me. I'm sorry if this sounds selfish but I honestly could care less. Because to me, I don't think it's about the situation and how bad it can get. To me it's about resilience and how you cope with these situations. Some can cope really well in a bad situation, while others may have a more easy situation to others, but can't cope with it. If I'm being honest, my situation isn't the worst one of them all but it also isn't the easiest if we're talking objectively. To me however, it's just unbearable to stay in this situation at this point in my life. Something has to change but my mind, body and spirit have given up.

If you've read all of this, you probably think: "what an attention seeking whore, just kill yourself already". If you haven't thought about it thank you <3. But if you did, I just want to say that I'm sorry if it looks like that. If I could I already would have done it. But the major thing that's keeping me here is the fear of death. I'm stuck between the living hell and death. It is so hard to live in between. Because I've got the feeling I don't belong anywhere and I'm just taking up space. I also wrote this and published it here in the hope that this will reach people who feel exactly how I feel about suicide, who are also in between two worlds. Just know that it doesn't matter in which situation you are, you're feelings are valid. Don't just give up but try to express your feelings through writing, art or maybe just by talking to someone. Because it really does help. I started writing this letter with tears in my eyes and now my spirit and body feel lighter. As if the weight is of my shoulders.

It's true death is not a solution. Even if it all goes down, there are up moments. Even when I feel like there is no one for me, there will be at some point in my life. You kinda just have to stick around to find your people. Even though it will feel like an eternity, once you find your people, your happiness, it will be worth a thousands of lives. They say life is like a rollercoaster. Even though this sounds cliché and stupid, they're right. Life can't always be uphill, it has to go downhill. Because once it goes uphill, we'll really appreciate every small moment of life. Even though you may feel like this is not true right now, it will become true in the future. I'm sure of it.