Out of My Reach

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure."-Unknown Author

Disbelief and fear filled my mind when a semi-trailer truck started to spin out of control on my side of the road. I remember seeing it swerve out of control and that's when it finally made contact with the car that my husband was driving. The sound of my husband, Rowan, yelling at me to pray was the last thing I remember before everything went black. When I woke up I was still in the car, I saw bright flashing lights and heard multiple loud sirens. I felt so numb. My body did not hurt and I could hardly breathe.

It felt like a massive weight was just sitting on top of me. I was able to move my head some and when I did, I saw that the hood of the car was crushed down on my lower half. When I was finally able to focus my eyes I brought my attention to the windshield. I could see Rowan lying on a stretcher, covered in blood. He was yelling something and it was not because of the pain that he was in. I tried to move but I got nowhere.

The panic started to fill me when I could not get to Rowan. He needs to know I'm okay. I need to know he is okay. I kept my focus on his yelling but that is when my vision started to get dark and my eyes slowly shutting on me, but all I heard was a blood-curdling scream. He was screaming my name, screaming for me.

The sun rays from my bedroom window woke me up. Rowan always liked opening the curtains in the morning so he could see the morning sun. It is obvious that he was a morning person and I am not. I got out of bed and I instantly regretted it when my feet touched the icy floor. I looked at Rowan's side of the bed and it was untouched. A sob came out and a tear rolled down my face. I let out a deep breath when I noticed I could see my breath. "It's the middle of summer. Why is it so cold?" I said to myself when I got up to check the AC but it was right on 65 just how Rowan liked it to be. Ever since he died I haven't touched anything. I wanted to keep it how he had left it.

When I walked out the door I saw Rowan staring at the framed pictures that he hung up on the wall. It's pictures from our wedding and prom. Yes, we were high school sweethearts. My body freezes up and I'm not sure what to do.  This moment felt surreal to me. I called out his name but he didn't even acknowledge me. I start to walk closer to him but that is when he flees to our bedroom. I follow closely behind him as he walks and sits on the bed. I take a seat beside him and he still has not noticed me yet. I call out his name again and still nothing.

With shaky hands, I placed my hand on his leg but I could not feel his warmth. I look at him and he is just staring at the wood floors. I stand up in front of him but he just moves away and starts to get clothes out of his dresser. He grabs what he needs and walks to the bathroom. I follow him in before he can shut the door. Rowan looks at himself in the mirror and I stand behind him, seeing myself in the mirror. He turns around sharply as if he has seen a ghost.

"Rowan...it's me." Rowan looks around the bathroom for a moment as tears leave his eyes, whispering incoherent words. He then finally gets in the shower and I follow him in. It is like he cannot even feel me. I wrap my arms around his torso but nothing happens. Rowan made no reaction that I was touching him. 

I don't even remember waking up in the hospital bed, I have no recollection of it. The only thing that I can remember is waking up this morning in our bed. Why am I seeing Rowan around our shared apartment? I walk back to our bedroom and it's still freezing like it was this morning. I close the door behind me locking it. I started to go through all the draws in the room and even the closest.

When I opened the closet doors, only a few of my items were in there. I looked through the clothes only seeing clothes that had deep meaning. The dress that I wore on the first date with Rowan was still hung up. I recall that day vividly, it was like a dream. It was my sophomore year of high school when I finally got the courage to ask Rowan out on a date. We both knew we had liked each other for a while it was just a matter of someone making the first move. Rowan had always been the shy type but I, on the other hand, was loud and energetic. We made the perfect match. The date was small and cute since we both didn't have jobs at the time. I decided to plan everything out so I thought a picnic was the best option. Our date was in the early fall, it was still warm. I raided my mother's kitchen that afternoon, trying to figure out what to bring for a picnic. I packed the food I knew that Rowan would like. When we got to the park, Rowan helped me set up the blanket and the plates that I brought. Everything was going great, we were laughing and enjoying each other's company. It all went bad when a rainstorm came out of nowhere. We were slipping and falling trying to get everything that I had brought with us. We ran to the playground and hid inside one of the play tubes while we waited for the rain to pass.

The next thing that I grabbed was my wedding dress. I place it on the bed and take it out of the protective covering. My dress was simple. It was a sweetheart neckline with sleeves and the dress was cocktail. As I was reminiscing, the door opened, and in came Rowan. "I thought I locked it," I said to myself as I stayed where I was, watching him. He moved around the room fluidly, and calmly. It took him a minute to find the wedding dress on the bed. Rowan seemed shocked when his eyes landed on it. I quickly moved out of the what so he could put it back up. I heard him mumbling to himself but I could not make it out.

It was later on in the night and I found myself lying in our bed. Rowan is beside me on his side. He is already asleep while I'm wide awake, staring at the ceiling. What happened after the accident? I can feel Rowan's warmth but I am still so cold. I turn to my side facing away from him as I close my eyes trying to let sleep consume me.

The next morning I woke up before Rowan and took this opportunity to investigate further.  I ignore the cold floor against my feet and I walk out of the room, quietly shutting the door behind me. I decided to look at the papers on the coffee table, there were papers thrown on the small table, I sat down on the sofa and rummaged through the papers. Most of them are bills but I found some from the car accident we were in. I look at the photos, the car was completely crushed on the passenger side, and the driver's side was hardly even touched. "Why does Rowm have these?" I continue to flip through seeing the scene of the accident. I look around the living room trying to think. The fridge. Rowan would write down every event we had to attend on the calendar we kept on the fridge. When I reached the fridge I pulled the calendar down and flipped through the months that had passed already but I instantly stopped when I saw 'funeral' written on the twenty-fifth box of August. "What?" No one had died though. "This doesn't make sense," I said to myself as I tried to sort through my confusion. I went to play with my wedding ring, as I do when I'm stressed, but it wasn't on my ring finger. I walk back into the room to go through my side table, opening the drawer. There it lay. My wedding ring lay on what looked like a funeral pamphlet and a dried sunflower beside it. Sunflowers are my favorite flower. They remind me of summer, summer is when I'm the happiest. I set my wedding ring aside and grabbed the pamphlet and opened it to read.

In Loving Memory,
Amelia Lopez
May 3, 1997, July 23, 2022
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." MATTHEW 5:4

I felt my eyes sting but no tears fell from my eyes. I'm dead. I have been buried six feet under for months. I look over to Rowan who is now gone. I didn't even see him leave the room. I place everything back on the bedside table and I get up to find Rowan. I find him in the kitchen making a cup of tea, he hates drinking the coffee I would make in the mornings he always had. I stand a few feet away from him and scream his name. Nothing. My breathing started to get faster and heavier as I walked over to him. I wrap my arms around him but I can't feel his warmth, and I can't feel his skin. "Please.." I begged but it was pointless. He cannot feel me, he cannot touch me, and he cannot talk to me. Rowan is my best friend. What am I supposed to do? I pressed my back against the wall as I slid down it, laying my head on my knees. I'm just a memory to Rowan now. He is out of my reach.