Mgg and Sr one shots // Matthew Gray Gubler // Spencer Reid

Open book - SR

My genius, my best friend, my Spencer, mine until he wasn't.

Spencer was no longer with me; now he belonged to Maya. Don't get me wrong, Maya is nice; she is absolutely wonderful for Spencer, but I can't help but be jealous of her. As she eventually looks up more and more of his time, it used to be, Oh, y/n, come over for a Doctor Who marathon', 'Y/n, do you want to come to this foreign movie festival with me? Sorry, I can't come out to drinks with you, Morgan, y/n is teaching me how to cook, and then, it became him and Maya hanging out, Spencer not being able to hang out with me because he's with Maya.

Maya is good for him. I keep reminding myself that my time has passed with him and that I missed my opportunity. I never hid my feelings for the doctor; he's just as sharp as a pillow when it comes to love. Or so I thought. He clearly knew about it when Maya came to him, and while yes, she did tell him directly and yes, she didn't just give him hints, he still understood what she was saying.

Spencer raved about Maya when he first met her while at a movie festival I couldn't go to because I had the flu. He kept going on about her hair and eyes, and every time he would discuss their conversations with me, it would pang my chest and make me realise I'm losing him bit by bit. I don't blame Maya; in fact, I met her, and despite my wanting for her to be mean and easy to hate, she made me love her. Spencer introduced us, and after that night, I had to distance myself because if I started to like Maya, it would make it impossible to move on from Spencer. I felt like if I hung around, I would just fall harder and harder, and I couldn't do that to not only myself but Spencer and Maya. Although Spencer pulled away first, I pulled away harder.

I miss him.

Ring...

......Ring....

.............Ring........

I don't pick it up; I know it's Spencer. It goes to voice mail, and I play it.

"Hey y/n, I know it's been awhile, but I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to come out to drinks with me, the team, and Maya."  There she is still taking up the space that my puzzle piece used to occupy, now replaced by a smother fitting piece. "I just think we haven't talked, let alone hung out, in a while. I guess I just miss your company. Please call me back and let me know that you're safe and well. Please just call me back. We're going to the usual bar, you know, the one by the ice cream parlour, at 8ish. Please come."

I debated calling him back, but what good would that do? It would just remind me how much I miss him, and I would just get attached again. Just hearing his voice sent an icey stream of lightning down my spine and made my stomach twist into a black hole. It was an abyss of missing emotions and missing people not taking up their usual assigned space in my brain. I wanted nothing more than for these holes of nothingness to be whole again.

Before I realise the phone is dialling, before the first ring is even finished, it's picked up.

"y/n?" He sounds hopeful. I want nothing more than to reply and to reach out, but nothing leaves my mouth. My thoughts are too dry, my heart is going a million miles per hour, and my breathing is turning ragged. He must be able to hear it on the other side because he calls out to me again, "Y/N, are you there? I can hear you, are you okay?" Before he has time to call out again, I end the call.

I don't know what I was thinking—it was a stupid idea. my hand shaking, i cant breathe, i feel hot and ice cold somehow at the time i want to run a mile and also curl up in a ball and not move for the rest of time, i hate feeling like this. It's been happening more and more recently, and I don't know how to stop it. I just hope that it will be over soon. Time stands still and I still can't move. I manage to pull myself up and get myself to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and going to fill it with the water cooler, gulping it down all in one go. It doesn't quench my thirst, it doesn't coat my throat like I hoped it would, and it only makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like I'm drowning. I drop the glass. I don't even hear it shattering. My ears are rushing with blood. All I can hear is static. I follow the glass down to the floor, my back sliding against the kitchen cabinets till I hit the floor.