LOUIS TOMLINSON
Empty
It's been 2 months since Willow passed away.
Willow Mia Tomlinson
9th June 2002 - 24th December 2018
Beloved Sister
"but these high walls they came up short"
"I'm not doing so well Mila, these last two months have just felt incredibly long. Father hasn't been handling his anger well, but of course, that's nothing new. You know that Mila- you were always there."
I picked at the grass, trying to think of what to say next. Oftentimes, Mila and I just sat in silence. We just understood each other. This was another one of those times, like when she was still alive. Before when I told her to go.
"I think it's time to go, mate."
I looked up as Zayn stood there with a solemn expression on his face. He and Mila were best friends. The weight on my shoulders felt heavier as I remembered that, even though Zayn was the one who lost his closest friend, he still took me to her grave. There were no signs of tears, emptiness nor sadness on his face.
"I can't zayn- I can't leave her alone again-"
"There's nothing you can do Louis. At least, she's looking over you."
The ivy vines creeped onto her grave covering the etching I had put for her. No one had cared for her- not even our father. The gravestone had sunk into the soft soil giving it the appearance of shrinking. The engraved words, so weathered by a century of rain, sat just above the level of the ground cover plants that sprawled over the dirt.
She was carelessly buried there to cover what they had done. Just another corpse, rotting away in these corrupted lands.
"Your life could never be marked by just a gravestone, something so cold and immobile. Perhaps a tree with a wind-chime in the branches could do you more justice, or a simple song sung into the wind. What lies in the ground is only flesh and blood, and that's never what you were. You were the most beautiful spirit I ever knew. I pray that you soar with the eagles on lofty breezes and swim in oceans deep; I pray that you know the freedom this life could never give you; yet most of all I pray that when my time comes, it is you that takes me by the hand- and together we go onwards to better times."
My bare soles upon the walkway, my vulnerable self came and left.
The car ride back with Zayn was silent.
No one knows what happens inside these places, Louis
This fear haunts me, when those old memories run through my head, when I hear the taunting laughter of years past, when I was the skinny kid and the punchline of jokes. This fear haunts me, as these memories cut loose their chains and erode the person I have built. This fear comes when I attempt to flee in my sleep, and lingers eternally in my conscious mind.
"Afternoon, Mr Tomlinson, Sir has ordered for you to meet with him."
As I follow the butler through the long winding corridors, my mind races at the possibilities of what might have happened now.
Ryan Tomlinson. Father. He didn't deserve to be called that- 'Sir.'. That's what people society deemed respectful were called- and that's what we called him. As cowardly it may be, no one dared to call him anything else.
"Louis- what time do you call this? It's almost 11 at night, where have you been?!" he bellowed.
"Sir, I was at Mil-"
"Do NOT speak her name- she is gone for a reason. Do not mourn for the worthless."
"Her life was not-"
"You and her are one and the same. Worthless, ignorant, simple-minded fools. I'm very disappointed in you. "
"I'm sorry, sir. It will not happen again."
It is fear that brings rage, that hot burning anger that seeks to harm. Rage destroys us from the inside. Never be afraid of the rage that is fire, for my fire burns hot and dies fast. Should you ever find my rage cold, a frozen fury that burns - be miserable. For I can only be that way with those who aren't in my heart and to get there from where you are now means you turned traitor. So, my father- be scorched by the flame so that you never know the torment of the ice.
"It better not. A recurrence of this behaviour will result in greater consequences."
"Yes, sir."
"Before it slips my mind- you have a consultation with Dr Mark Wright Next week at 3pm remember to be there I don't want you to be slacking"
It's that day of drowning, here again, the cold wash only I can feel. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to move at all. And in that moment it takes all the strength I have to make a good choice, to reach for an oxygen tank and take a breath - that's my good mood music playlist. It gives me the thoughts I need, that I am someone worthy of love and joy. The first tracks aren't easy. They show the tears in my soul, but without that how would the soul stay alive? So I let them call me and bring the salty rivers. This is how I stay alive. This is how the universe reaches me and tells me good things are coming.
What is your Full Name?
Louis William Tomlinson.
Your age?
18
Your date Of birth?
24/12/1991
Diagnosis, if applicable? (Please include a reference.)
Psychosis, Dysthymia, Dissociative Disorder; see attached report by Dr. Wright.
Signed
Louis Tomlinson
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Broken Glass L.T.
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