Between the lines - STARGATE SG1

Chapter 3: the ties that bind

He knew he had to act and do something for the SGC. He knew what Landry and Mitchell were demanding, he knew what he should do for the good of the entire Galaxy. But he couldn't. He was paralyzed. Paralyzed by a fear that knotted his stomach, muzzled his sense of honor and duty. His world now revolved entirely around Samantha Carter, and while in the past it would not have been possible to have his right to happiness, now he could not give her up. Even though he knew he owed it to his country. The idea of breaking the heart of the woman he had loved in silence for nearly 10 years seemed inconceivable. She slept beside him, oblivious to the parasitic thoughts that kept Jack O'Neill awake. The decision to pull her to the SGC rested on his shoulders. Fortunately, Daniel had offered her a little respite in spite of himself. This Goa'uld bracelet story had given him a little time before Samantha Carter's presence at the SGC became vital again.

Gently, he walked the pulp of his fingers on the soft skin of her back stripped by the T-shirt she wore to sleep, a T-shirt too big that she had borrowed in the wardrobe of Jack to cover herself after a hot shower taken to two. The oversized fabric had slid over her skin in her sleep revealing the roundness of one shoulder, the velvety softness of the skin on her back. No wonder she had made the heart of half the men in the Galaxy turn over. An outstanding personality coupled with a body forged by an iron will, Samantha Carter was not only a talented military woman, she was also a fulfilled woman, a woman of head but also a woman of heart. For a time, he had feared she would become another, when Pete Shanahan had been in her life. This relationship ... she had been another during that time. It was as if something had blown away whatever reason existed in her. This man had followed her, made her feel guilty, given her ultimatums and even bought a house without consulting her. And she had put a handkerchief over everything in her that once would have rebelled against such behavior, she had seemed to be under a spell, ready to do anything to find an illusory happiness... At that time Jack had resigned himself to let her be happy without him, to build a life that as his superior he could never offer her.

Then Janet was dead.

(Flashback: 2003 - Colorado Springs)

She was inconsolable and he was unable to find the words, he who was already stingy of words. Then he was content to hold her against him, letting her cry between his arms, squeezing her enough so that she felt safe, but not too much not to oppress her, making her feel free to detach herself from him at any moment. Sitting on the hard floor of his room, he felt his knees groaning under the forced immobility he had imposed on her for hours but, he would not move. She was inconsolable and he could do nothing. He felt the tears running on his cheeks, getting lost in the hair of the woman between his arms. For he too was inconsolable. He had lost men in battle before, sometimes friends, but never before had a death in battle seemed so unfair. Janet should not have died on this planet, she should not have taken that shot, she should not have. Yet it had happened and there was nothing he could do about it. He too had been shot and his death would have seemed more "natural", he was an Air Force Colonel, he walked through the door every day. Janet was a doctor, she stayed at the base and saved them when they returned. She rarely went out into the field. Statistics worked in her favor, but in the end, against a Jaffa weapon, statistics had no weight. Janet was dead. He had almost died. So he held her close, crouching on the cold ground, held her tight enough that her ribs and the stitches in her skin tortured him, but he wasn't about to let her go. No. She was inconsolable and by her side he felt he could let some of his grief show. He needed to be there for her. That's what Janet would have wanted.

"Jack..." The voice was broken, made hoarse by tears and pain. Gently, he ran a hand through his hair to soothe her. "She's dead..."