You're Not Even a Real Chris!

AFG Ultimate Chris: "I've never seen such gorgeous eyes before."

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All Caps Bingo: "I can do this all day."

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Chris Pratt, Chris Evans, Chris Pine and Chris Hemsworth entered into a contest to determine which of them was the best Chris. They had been arguing over the title of best Chris for years and finally they would be able to know once and for all just which of them truly was the best.

Evans showed off his strength, though he was of course bested in that by Hemsworth, neither of them shocked by it but in a test of morality, Evans absolutely annihilated Hemsworth.

Pratt challenged Pine to a dance contest and while he may have won that, Pine triumphed over him with his voice by singing Agony.

The face offs were numerous, all five contestants faring fairly well all things considered but the moment of truth came when they had to step up to the mic and say the phrase of the final round. They went alphabetically from Z to A.

First was Pratt who said, "Yo! So, I'm Chris Pratt. Honestly like this shouldn't even be a question. Have you seen these guys? Yeah? Well then you know the truth." His eyes landed on a lovely brunette in the first row as he said, "I just have to say that I've never seen such gorgeous eyes before." He winked and looked back at the rest of the crowd, his eyes then finding her once more. "I am the Ultimate Chris."

Pine rolled his eyes and stepped up. "Nothing like going rogue huh Pratt? I'm pretty sure you say that to all the ladies. Sorry ma'am. You're gorgeous but he's a player. Anyway, I'm Chris Pine. I like long walks on the beach, apple martinis and some sci fi fantasy novels. There is no question that I, when compared to these chuckleheads, am the Ultimate Chris."

Hemsworth quirked a brow and scoffed, taking his turn at the mic. "Yes, well, as much as they'd like to think they are the best, it's obvious to us who are more than mere mortals, that I, Chris Hemsworth, am the best Chris. If you don't believe me, ask my father. You may have heard of him. Odin is after all legend and a king to boot. I've won many trophies but this one is the trophy of all trophies. So, another! I am the Ultimate Chris."

Second to last, Evans stepped up, his arms crossed, muscles bulging. "I could do this all day. As you can tell from the pitiful examples so far, I am truly the best Chris. However, it is not because of my taste in location, drink or book, my strength or my inability to follow the law but because of the moral compass I always follow, never straying from what's right. I don't need a trophy to know that but better me than these other knockoffs. Therefore, I am the Ultimate Chris."

The last man to the podium and to use the mic was Argent. "Attention. My name is Chris Argent. Yes, I am of the Argent family, but I do not hold their beliefs. I am my own person, hunter and a father to boot. My daughter and I uphold a code. Nous protégeons ceux qui ne peuvent pas se protéger eux-mêmes. We protect those who cannot protect themselves." He smirked. "That includes the men behind me whose greatest accomplishments aren't major or even obtained by their own merit. With all this in mind it is quite clear that I am the Ultimate Chris."

All five contestants lined up as a striking man walked onto the stage, his hand grazing the golden trophy. He looked at all of them and pulled out a golden envelope. "My name is Ian Bohen and after a long deliberation, we have come to a single conclusion. There can only be one winner and while all of these men bear the name of Chris, the winner today of the Ultimate Chris contest is..." He paused, pulling the card out and grinned with all teeth. "Chris Argent!"

Said man smirked at the other four, whose jaws dropped in shock. How did this guy win over them? Ian looked at the winner and gestured. "Come give your acceptance speech. You've earned this."

With a nod, Argent walked up to the mic. "I would just like to thank the production team, casting director and producers and directors of the Teen Wolf show. Without them I wouldn't be here and winning such an award. Chris Argent is one of the best roles I've ever played and holds a special place in my heart. Thank you judges for choosing me. I've been JR Bourne and I am the Ultimate Chris."

"Now hold on a moment!" Hemsworth said.

"Dude! You're not even a real Chris!" Pratt hollered.

JR smirked. "Well maybe not, but I played one. Maybe you have heard of him. Chris Argent is his name." He looked up at the man with the award and winked. "Thank you, Ian dear."

"The pleasure is all mine, Darling," the announcer purred.

The four men watched the winner and his lover–husband based on the silver bands they were wearing–walked away and for a few minutes, none of them said a word.

When they did start talking again, it was all of them simultaneously shouting, "I'm still the best Chris to ever fucking Chris!"

Evans frowned. "Are we really doing this again?"

Pratt scoffed. "Of course, we are. Now shut up and dance, asshole."

"You say the sweetest things," Evans said.

After three rounds of dancing his ass off, Pratt was a bit out of breath.

This made Evans smirk. "Tired already?"

"Pshhh. No. I could do this all day!"

Pine and Hemsworth burst into laughter. "Dude, he stole your line."

Pratt smirked. "Come at me, Cap."

Evans socked him in the jaw and swept his legs out from under him. "That's captain to you kid."

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French Translations:

Nous protégeons ceux qui ne peuvent pas se protéger eux-mêmes.
We protect those who cannot protect themselves.