The Exit • TWD. [✓]

𝟎𝟕𝟗, try to trust dwight!

CHAPTER SEVENTY NINE !

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Estella wasn't good at coping with her feelings. she tried. she tried so hard to get in touch with the way her body was feeling every time she lost somebody, but she could only ever think about others and how they were feeling. instead of coping with carl's death in a healthy way, she was just thinking about how he was actually going to die. was he going to turn, or was he going to kill himself?

she wondered if carl would shoot himself, or if rick was going to put him down, or possibly michonne if rick couldn't. she thought about how rick must've felt, losing another child.

she saw how he was with isabella, with lori — so what about carl? she needed his head in the game. as selfish as it sounded, this was a bad time for carl to die. in the middle of a war. she didn't want rick to go crazy, not like he did when lori passed away after giving birth to judith. even though he managed to snap himself out of his heart break to fight the governor, estella didn't know if it would be the same outcome for rick when he lost carl. she didn't understand much about it because she didn't have a child or a partner, but surely losing your child would have more of an effect on you than losing your wife did?

everyone needed rick in the right headspace for this war. they also needed carl. he was good at fighting, good at reasoning. he was brave. he was a whole lot more than any of them were. now, though, they didn't have carl and they'd never have carl again. she was going to have to come to terms with the fact that she was never going to see him again, and that was hard. it was all hard, ans she'd had to go through it way too many times before.

estella had watched carl give judith her hat. there was a lot of meaning behind those hats. now, estella was twinning with judith rather than carl. that hat would make history within the grimes family. she was once honoured to twin with carl when he got her the hat, and now, she was honoured to twin with judith. she was the next grimes in line to make a stand. to make a difference, and to lead in the way all the other grimes' before hand had.

everyone was on their way to the hilltop, walking. estella hadn't said a word to anybody. people kept talking to her, but she wasn't replying. when she was hurt, she tended to stay silent. it helped her. she didn't want to accidentally lash out on somebody like she did the rest of the times. she decided that silence was better than anger. if she spoke, she'd probably say the wrong thing, so she didn't speak at all, whether it would be the right thing or the wrong thing. she knew she wouldn't be able to stay silent for long, though. she never really did. she was always a little chatty.

"did you hear them talking on the walkie about carson and gabriel?" rosita asked daryl, as estella walked just a foot in front of them.