The Ultimate Guide to Distinguish a Canadian from an American
Some people have trouble identifying Canadians from Americans so it is with that in mind, that I present this Identification Guide. After you have carefully studied this guide, identification will no longer be a problem for you
General Appearances
We are hard to distinguish from Americans - however there are some clues.
We are on average not as tall - most of us come in under 5 feet 9 inches. No basketball players among us.
Neither are we muscle-bound as we can't find a steroid supplier up here. So there are not many weight-lifters or power hitters either.
After the age of 16, most of us have facial hair including the women. Our cold climate necessitates the need to grow hair in order to keep warm.
Generally, we are not overweight as most of us are hockey players and we need to be light-weighted and fast. Being light-weighted keeps the ice from cracking and being fast means we get a few of our own punches in during the fights which always break out.
If you see us at an airport, bus or train station - we never carry our belongings in a suitcase. We use kits bags - big ones - they carry all our hockey gear and a change or two of clothing, with a large Maple Leaf on the back.
Canadian Clothing and Fashion
In the winter, you will find us dressed in heavy parkas, thick fur mittens, and snowshoes on our feet. When indoors, we will remove our snowshoes, open up our parkas but leave our mitts on.
Summer, the clothing is not as heavy because our temperatures can get as high as 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Then, we just need to wear heavy flannel shirts (usually red and black checker-pattern) and a tuque.
You won't find many of us wearing designer jeans, patterned t-shirts nor running shoes. Our government has tight restrictions on these types of clothing.
Most of us wear watches on our left wrists as most of us are right-handed. The watches are of simple design and are usually the wind-up variety.
As for jewellery, the men wear none and the women are allowed to wear simple necklaces and earrings. None of the jewellery will be made of gold as all Canadians get a rash when gold is touched to their skins, following the Yukon Gold Rush.
As for cologne and deodorants - they are not generally used. Certainly not deodorants as it never gets hot here and nobody sweats. As we are a lazy breed, we don't even break into a sweat while exercising or working. Cologne is occasionally used depending on whether or not we have an excess of fish oil. This only happens when our winters are not too harsh and we didn't need to use all the oil to keep our igloos warm.
What Canadians Eat
In winter, we eat a lot of popsicles - generally vanilla and apple flavoured. Also, beaver tails and herring. Our main drink during the winter is hot soup and if lucky, a cup or two of tea.
Come the summer, we can sometimes get our hands on the odd squirrel meat and often you will find us drinking hot chocolate when one of us makes a visit to the USA and manages to smuggle the chocolate back. There is also coffee from time to time. Nothing really cold as, remember, it's still around 45 degrees even in summer.
Comforts of Home
We live a simple life up here. We only have 2 radio stations - Canadian Broadcasting Corp. and Zut Radio. Zut Radio is by far the better of the two and it can be found on Twitter as Zut_Radio.
Only one television station here and it just gives weather reports so that we can determine if it is fit to go out and fish.
Recently, we have begun installing indoor plumbing. When ever Billy Bob comes in the area with an ice saw, we have him cut a hole in the floor of our igloos.
Transportation
We Canadians have 3 personal modes of transportation - our legs, dogsleds and bicycles.
I imagine the only one you might find odd is the bicycle but many of us have one as most of us cannot afford 6 dogs and a sled.
As you might well know, many countries send used bicycles to Cuba. When the Cubans are finished with them, they are transported to us by air once a year. When we get them, we remove the tires and with our sharp ulu knives, we make notches in the metal rims. This way, we get good traction on the ice.
Wildlife
Besides the crazy parties we occasionally have, the only other main wildlife you will see in Canada are the Polar Bear, the Moose and of course the Canada Kangaroo.
Rumours have abounded for years of the existence of Sasquatch. Although none have ever been captured, a look at some of our woman can easily convince you that they may indeed exist.
Trade and Commerce
Being somewhat isolated as we are, we have learnt to become self-sufficent. However, there is some trade with Russia, as many of us can see Russia way off in the distance.
A very long heavy-duty clothesline runs between our two countries enabling trade without Customs interference. We use a large double-stitched canvas bag and send herring and iceberg lettuce to them. In return, they send back frozen orange juice and newspapers from Moscow. 83.7% of us are fluent in Russian.
Speech
Our speech pattern is quite different from Americans.
You will never hear us say, "Ya'all come back now, ya hear?". But you will hear us say, "You Guys" frequently and we always end our sentences with eh, eh?
"Bubba" is a word we do not use as the word up here is "buddy". No drawly accents from us but if you do encounter a Canadian from Newfoundland, you will have a real problem understanding him. Suffice to say, if you see someone who has all the other signs of being a Canadian but you haven't a clue what he said to you - chances are high that he is a Newfoundlander !!!
However, do not confuse Newfoundlanders with Newfoundland Dogs - they both come from Newfoundland but the dogs are the ones who can't talk at all.
In Conclusion
We hope this guide will have been of some benefit to you. We welcome and comments you may have to improve it.
