Purple Ink (SatoGou)

Chapter 12

tw: mental health? maybe? nothing explicitly mentioned, just general angst really

I wanna address that maybe some people might not agree with the direction I take the story in from now on, like if anyone expects goh and ash to realise who each other is and instantly get together and be happy, that's not the way I wrote it going down, i'm sorry! ;-;

Hi Blue,

I know it's been a while. I know you probably hate me, and I don't even know if you'll ever open this, let alone respond, but I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and I think the way things ended was wrong. It was wrong of me to cut you off after twelve years with such a shit explanation, and one that wasn't even true.

You were the one friend I never wanted to lose, and I'm sorry that I couldn't stop it from happening. But I never wanted it. You have to know that. And here's the truth, finally, after twelve years:

My name is Goh, and I'm a boy.

I grew distant because I knew you expected me to be a girl, and I couldn't stand the thought of us meeting, and seeing the disappointment on your face. It would have broken my heart even more than it already was. I fought against the heartbreak for months, trying to figure out a way to let you know without embarrassing myself, or losing you. I wanted to believe that keeping you as a friend was better than losing you altogether, but I couldn't stand it. I loved you, and I knew you were never going to love me once you figured it out, so I shut down.

The worst part is, I can't even place the blame completely on you. I was being hypocritical, because I was imagining you as a boy, too. I'm gay, and if you're a girl, we wouldn't have worked anyway. Pathetic, right? I guess we really were just two stupid kids that never really gave it enough thought. So I don't resent you. I don't hate you, not really, but... You still broke my heart. It's just that I probably broke yours, too.

I don't expect us to be friends again. I'm not even sure I want us to be- I'm not sure if I could handle it or not. I just needed to tell you this truth before it ate me alive.

I've met someone else, and while I'll probably love you forever, I think I'm finally ready to let go.

Love,

Red

- - - -

It's past eleven at night, and I'm jogging in the park, pushing myself to my limit, breaths coming fast and hard, sweat sliding down my forehead. I give in to the pain in my ribs, closing my eyes and tipping my head back to the sky, the light rain clinging to my skin.

I'm so stupid. So, so fucking stupid.

The truth was there, staring me right in the face, and I missed it.

The overwhelming panic consumed me for half an hour after I read the email, each word making it worse, like an invisible hand squeezing my ribs harder and harder, until they almost snapped. The truth hammered into my brain, over and over again, choking me. Goh is Red. Goh is Red.

I met Red in person and didn't even realise. I fell for them all over again without realising. I convinced them to reach out to me. I was sitting there, seething at someone I didn't realise was me, saying they didn't deserve him...

I don't. I don't deserve him at all. Not when it was me that caused his tears. Not when I caused months of turmoil for him, not when I imagine how hurt he felt, thinking I'd be disappointed to see him... How could I ever be disappointed? He's the most beautiful person I've ever seen, but... He's not a girl.