Used To It - KokuDouma Short Story - Business / Mafia AU

Chapter Three - Words

(Kokushibo's POV)

- I love you! - She was embarrassed and looked down.
I never thought I would hear those words comming out of someone's mouth. Not for me.

Nor like I wanted to.

- We're at work, shut up, please. - That was my only answer
- Are you kidding me?! I just confessed!
- You're kidding.
- I'm not!
- If you weren't, you wouldn't had said that. Not here, not now, not for me. - I slammed some sheets in the table & standed up.

I just left her there, working with people that couldn't enter their bank acount or something.

- Why the fuck would you say that...? - I said to myself, resting my back in the door of the janitor's closet.
I didn't know were else to go.

Maybe I want someone to say that to me.
Maybe.

I would rather other things, to be honest.
"I forgive you"

I was wishing for next week to come soon, I just wanted to see him.

I wish everyday I would be able to stand up and shout. Scream. Yell. Not to modulate any word, not say anything that makes any sense.
Just letting it go. Letting him go. Letting my old self go and forget who I was because I wasn't that person anymore and no one cared about that, so I had no reasons to care too.
And neither anyone knew that person I thought I was and I knew, until I understood I was tied to him. So I wasn't someone.
And maybe I cannot say I'm someone now, but now I'm powerful. I'm not going to say I'm useful because it's not my right to choose that, but I have power.

And if I have power, that means I'm not no one. Maybe I'm not someone, but I'm not no one.

But I can't.
I can't shout. Nor scream. Nor yell. Nor avoiding myself to modulate words, being forced to say things that make sense, because if not, this shitty society we live in will mark you as crazy, as irrational.
I guess I can't do that.

For being me. Myself. I.

I want to leave clear that it would take anyone years or even decades to make me care about someone else.

If you aren't them.

Back to the point, to the point I stated what feels years ago, the point I stated when I first decided to take my thoughts to words, expossing myself and letting everyone to dig into my mind, I like red. I also like purple, tho. But the color that is more pleasant for me to look at is red. I don't know why or why it would be revelant for you or for the story, but I feel it's just important to add.

Maybe it reminds me of him. I can't even write his name without trembling hands.
Maybe it just reminds me of Douma.

Or maybe just the blood I have in my hands right now.

I'll explain: Any debt unpaid to the Kibutsuji mafia means taking a life.

This dude was an idiot.
He shouldn't have buyed that watch. If I was the seller, I'd probably snatched the ring in his middle finger while shaking hands with him, or any second, any oportunity, any chance I had got, I would have do.

I threw the watch (over 1.000.000 yen) in front of Muzan-sama & leaved a case with the incomplete sum of money he owed.

- Take the ring as an extra, - I said - A reward for the delay
- You mean his middle finger's ring? - He asked
- Yeah, - I hid my hands in my pockets - If you're interested, I have that too.

We looked at each other for a while and then he smiled.

- I'd prefer his head.
- Janitor's closet, third floor, - I replied turning around to face the door - Nakime's probably going to find it first

I heard his laughter while I walked away.

Long story short, I had to clean my dagger.

- Gomen, gomen, gomen..! - I heard a harmonic voice in a singsong tone behind me.

- Gomen'nasai, Kokushibo-dono! - Douma grabbed my hands as soon as I turned around.
- Why are you apologizing...? - I tried not to sound too flustered.
- Because of yesterday! Gomen'nasai, Kokushibo-dono!
- Don't apologize. It's fine. It was my decision.
- Let me repay it! - He pouted and hold my hands more tight & closer to his chest.

Goddamn, he's cute..—

- It— Isn't necessary...— - I started saying, but he wouldn't change his mind.
- What movies do you like? - He smiled
- Uhm, anything's fine...—
- When are you free?
- Tomorrow— Wait, why you asking?
- I wanna go out!
- S— Seriously..? Are you inviting me to a date..—?
- I just wanna repay — Should I take that as a maybe?
- Uhm, I— Ehm—

God, did I really stutter like that? Every time I remember I feel more pathetic—
What the hell is happening to me?

- Go away. Take your clichés far, far away from here and your incomfortable conversation, which involves socializing, where someone cares. - A female said.
- Shut up, Nakime. - I spitted - Do you even have a life? Even if it is a pathetic and empty life as a complete dog for Muzan-sama, do you have a life? So you stop messing into everyone else's life.

They both looked at me in surprise. I wished I had a mirror right then, to gave myself the same expression.
Did I just told her what I thought? Did I just exploded or what the fuck was that reaction? I was used to keeping everything to myself. Keep everything to myself.

We stood silent.

I grabbed Douma by the hand and guide us to the exit.
- Gomen... - I whispered once we were out.
No one talked.
- ...What hour tomorrow? - He smiled and tapped my shoulder with his index finger, like if calling my attention.
- I'm free at anytime...
- Half past three is fine?
- I'll be at your place at quarter past three, - I looked at him & smiled - I like to be punctual
- I'll see what movies are close to that time.

We just stared at each other, smiling awkwardly.

- It's a date, then? - Douma asked after some minutes in silence.
My voice started to tremble and I could feel a burn in my face, how I was flushed and how I didn't know what to do.
- A date? - Please imagine that with a trembling voice and stuttering, I still have some dignity to not make a fool of myself by writting it textually how I said this - You're asking me out? Like a couple?
- Oh, sorry! - He laughed - I didn't mean it that way! I mean, a date, like a doctor's apointment or an apointment with friends or like that!

I'm not an expert, but he was nervous. Kinda blushing, but probably he was just ashamed.

- Oh, yes, yes, of course! - I laughed nervously - Sorry, my bad!

I admit I felt disappointed, but nothing could ruin that momment.

We said "good-bye" and turned around to take separate paths. I returned to my "real job". I don't know where he went.

- You took your time, Tsugikuni, - My other boss said when I crossed the staff door - Next lunch break you spend it here.
- That's fine for me, - I sighed
- And could you please cover those tattoos? They give a horrible image for our company.
- If someone seems bothered because of them, just tell them you're being "inclusive and giving a chance to all kinds of people to work here"
- Did you really had to choose such gross images? - He shrugged
- Are eyes disgusting? Not like I had them all over my face.

We finished that discussion there.

But for the rest of the day I didn't show my hands or let them at the sight of any client.

º   º   º  

"Nobody is a villian in their own story."
George R. R. Martin