The Paladin (The King Eternal Monarch AU)

The Gulf Between Us

She was so lonely. It was all her fault too because she had been the one who pushed him away. His words had shaken her. His earnestness had brushed away the facade she showed everyone.

She had been completely floored when he didn't take advantage of the moment. She thought that any other man would have done just that. They were alone after all and were not likely to be disturbed.

She had seen the interest in his eyes. She had been curious about kissing him and he did not disappoint. But he stopped and out of his mouth came the sweetest thing she had ever heard.

He was so different from the lords who had wanted to take advantage of her during her exile. She had no trouble defending herself from those lords. Her black belts in judo, karate and taekwondo did the job easily. Against his words, she was defenceless.

He had said he wanted things to be traditional. That he wanted to court her openly and not in secret. That he thought she deserved everything. For some reason, his words made her cry.

With the tears, her worse fears came pouring out. About being barren. Infertile. Emotionally detached. She still wished she didn't say those words. That she held it back for her own private consumption. For nights when she was alone with her thoughts.

But no. He had some sort of hold on her. He made her depend on him. He made her trust him. He made her want more with him. And she hated that more than anything else. Because wanting to belong to someone meant being open to losing someone. She didn't think she could take any more losses in life.

He made her love having him around. To discuss things and to fall asleep with. He made her want a family with him and that meant children. But he was North and she was who she was.

Elizabeth knew it was irrational to believe that she could not have children. But she felt superstitiously that it was true. Even though Dr Alice said there was still a slim chance, she didn't want infertility to be the rock on which her relationship would stumble.

He deserved better not because he was North. He deserved better because he was kind, gallant and patient. All the things she never knew she needed in someone. From a practical viewpoint, he needed a wife who could bear him children. Especially a son. The North needed a Paladin to keep it stable.

She felt that he did not deserve a woman who was damaged. With whom there was only a slight chance of giving him what he needed. She had to love him enough to let him go. It was going to hurt but she was doing it for his own good. Love sometimes meant making sacrifices. She was going to see it through even if it killed her inside.

And so she allowed herself to draw comfort from his hug one last time before she withdrew from him. She allowed herself to smell his masculine scent and lock it up in her memories. She fell asleep after crying but she knew when she was being tucked into her bed. He had kissed her forehead and left.

He left not knowing that she had made up her mind. Made up her mind to create a safe distance from him. To protect her heart from ever needing anyone. To protect him from herself. Her very damaged self.

He had left not knowing that it was their last conversation. That it was the last time she would allow herself to be vulnerable to him or to anyone. He left without seeing the tears that couldn't stop flowing down her cheeks.

Avoiding him had been easy at first. She was busy with her packed schedule and he was busy with his. The hard part was meeting him every single day during Council.

She noticed he had looked bewildered at first at her formality. Then his eyes slowly took on a hurt look. It hurt her to see the emptiness in his eyes because she was the one who put it there. So she avoided looking at his eyes and looked at his nose bridge instead.