Letters to Lilith

Letter One: Utterly honest.

Saturday, November 4th

Lilith,

I'm going to divulge something to you that I have yet to tell anyone. I trust that you will keep this to yourself; that is if you ever get this. A long time ago... when i was little I decided that I didn't ever want to fall in love if it mean waiting up all night for someone to never come home, or setting a place mat at a seat you know will remain empty. I didn't want to gaze at someone committing such mundane activities and allow myself to think that just because they do it it's become "special" somehow. Nor did i ever want to become familiar to the warmth of someones sleeping body beside my own. My mom left a place mat for him, she used to gaze at him while he cooked as if he were some God of sorts, she was all to comfortable with the feel of his body beside her own, and all of it was ripped away when he left her for twenty-three year old beginners chef- I would not have that. I would not allow myself to endure such pain as my mother did. She withered away right before me. She went from being this powerful woman to someone who tucked her kids in bed at night just to go cry in her own. I believe/d that love does not exist, and if it does my mother got the shit end of the stick. Now, you're probably wondering why i am telling you such a story but it's because... until I laid eyes on you i didn't believe that such beautiful things existed. In that case i was wrong, so maybe I'm wrong about love as well, maybe there is love. Maybe you are... love itself. I know its crazy seeing as you just moved to Westwood High a little over a week ago, but here I am already struck by your intense beauty- generally such a mundane thing. I have yet to learn your full name or favorite ways to pass time, but i am already gazing at you committing such boring acts, such as sitting, and finding it... special.

I leaned back and rolled my hand creating a popping noise that was barely audible. I stared down at the page long letter and debated on ripping the corny thing out, but I decided against it as I figured it is probably the most honest thing i have ever written. I ran my fingers through my long jet black her as i hung my head over the back of the mint green swivel chair. I sighed both in frustration and confusion. I had never looked at another girl, let alone another person, and found something so attractive in them. My mother broke me from my thoughts as i hear the sound of her long, polished fingernails tap along my doorframe.

"Angelica, Hunny, did you hear me?" I looked up to meet her hazel eyes with my own.

"Oh, no sorry. I didn't hear you." Of course i couldn't, though i was silent my thoughts were so loud that they could drown out the sound of a tsunami hitting the side of our house. Not literally of course, but they could have put a lot of other things to shame, including my mothers speaking.

"I said, your father is here to take you kids to dinner."

"I'm not a kid mom, I'll be 17 in a little more than three months. Also, you can tell him no." I turned to face my computer but didn't turn it on. "It's the same answer every Sunday, I don't know why he expects it to be different."

"I don't think he expects it to be as much as he hopes, but okay. Chinese or Pizza?"

"I don't care mom. Just anything that doesn't involve him."

I saw her mouth open out of the corner of my eye like she was about to say something, she just stopped herself, and left without so much as a sound. My mom was a strong woman, had been her whole life, but she made excuses for people who weren't. My father was anything but strong- his own lustful desire led him to cheat on my mom and tear apart our almost "picture perfect" family. Thoughts of my father did nothing but anger me. I decided that I wouldn't let them get to me, so I went for a run to blow off some steam.

I ran, and i ran until i couldn't anymore. I hadn't realized how far i actually ran until i was at Sycamore Ln. which was nearly five miles from my house. I bent over placing my moist hands over my aching knees in an attempt to catch my breath. The loud music blaring through my earphones almost gave me the motivation to keep going- almost. I ended up sitting on a bench at the end of someones lawn. They probably thought i looked crazy, which i may have, but i was too tired to care. All i could focus on at that point was the aching i had in various joints- along with how i was going to get home.