a little hang out and non-sexual meeting didnt get rid of their kisses, as yangyang greeted renjun at the door with a kiss, and a tight hug.
"i think you missed me more than i missed you!" renjun teased, shutting the door behind him and greeting the cats. he pulled out a bag of treats, as he'd always visit the pet store whenever going over. the cats were his claimed babies.
yangyang shrugged with a smile, watching renjun feed his cats, sat on the floor cross legged, "i think you only came over for them.."
renjun nodded teasingly, as louis rolled on the floor.
yangyang was happy. ten was out with johnny, and kun was out with some other friends, giving the two the place alone. yeah, they weren't gonna do anything sexual, but being able to show affection in the kitchen, or walking through the house made him happy.
he would be fine with being open with their relationship, but if it made renjun more comfortable to hide it, he's okay with that.
"did you eat?" yangyang asked, to which renjun shook his head, "i'll cook?"
renjun nodded with a smile, turning his head so yangyang could see it, "what will you make?"
"i uh- what do you want?"
"what do you.. have?"
"renjun, i can't cook."
renjun scoffed with a smile, "yang, we can order food, i know it's not your strong point."
yangyang scoffed too, before helping renjun up off of the floor, holding his waist, "mean."
-
"you said you wanted to talk?" yangyang began, as renjun laid between his legs, under his blankets, running his fingers along his thighs, "wanna talk now?"
renjun hummed, "i dont-" a deep breath caused yangyang to pull him closer by his waist, holding him tight against his chest, "i dont want you to hate me, yang."
"hm? why would i hate you," he smiled, confused, "did you poison the cats or something."
that made renjun laugh. he sighed, shaking his head.
"this is so- cringe- but what are we, yangyang?"
yangyang stayed silent for a moment, before answering, "huh.. yeah.."
they laid, and renjun's heart was beating so quickly.
he was petrified of rejection. who wasn't? but this was a weird situation. one he'd never been in before.
its not like they'd agreed on what their relationship was, so he didnt know what to expect. but he didnt know what he wanted, either.
"i-uh.." yangyang attempted again, his fingers tapping renjun's stomach, "jun, i'll be honest- i dont know."
the two laughed lightly. it kinda relieved renjun to know that yangyang was confused too.
"is this why you've been acting off recently?" yangyang asked, sinking back into his pillows a little more, making renjun fall further into his chest, "please- i dont want you to be-"
"i uh- i think so-" renjun interrupted, holding yangyang's hand on his waist, pulling it onto his lap, "its just- ugh-"
"it's fine, renjun," the younger assured, "i want to know. i need to know, so you're not like- stressing anymore."
renjun pouted, nodding and taking a moment to calm.
"i just- i like.. having sex with you."
yangyang laughed a little, making renjun smile, and roll his eyes.
"shut up."
"im sorry."
"but i think... i'm not the type of person to just.. do this.. forever.." renjun explained, "i dont think we're gonna be doing this for much longer, if it's just sex. and no commitments.."
yangyang nodded slowly, holding renjun's hand.
"do you.. want commitments? between us? is that something you'd want?" yangyang asked, "or do you mean- you want something else- someone else-"
"i said i liked having sex with you," renjun huffed, giving up on getting embarrassed to talk about this stuff, "i dont want anyone else, i'm just- it's weird- i want... i want love- i dont know-"
"it's not weird to want love, junnie.." yangyang said, smiling, and being glad that renjun couldn't see said smile on his face, "you want to.. try?"
renjun could cry. he didnt know what he wanted. he didnt want to tell yangyang this, but now that he had, he couldnt go back.
"i- i do- but-"
"we could.. stop? with the.. y'know.."
"sex, yang."
"yeah-" yangyang smiled, "the sex. if that's what you want? i'm confused too, jun. but if that's what you want, we can try together."
"but is it what you want?"
"i dont know, yet..." yangyang sighed, "i'm not- i think i do.. but i havent been thinking about it as much as you.."
renjun nodded slowly, feeling yangyang's thumb caress the back of his hand, "i dont want to stop the sex, yangyang. i told you, i like it."
"you've mentioned, yeah."
"i just- fuck, man."
yangyang nodded, as he heard renjun's voice crack. he pulled him by the waist, letting him turn around, and lay on his chest.
he watched a tear fall onto the older's cheek, immediately catching it with his thumb, as they made eye contact.
"jun..." he whispered, holding the back of his head, holding him close.
renjun cried. he wasn't planning on crying, but oh, he cried. he cried for a while, too.
as yangyang held him close, he dampened the material of his shirt, his eyes sore and his lips becoming dryer as he took quick, short breaths.
"renjun.." yangyang whispered, and he felt so... bad.
it wasn't entirely his fault, he thought, but he knew that him existing was to blame.
"renjun, we can do whatever you need to do.." he spoke so gentle, and felt renjun's breathing slow down, "im willing."
"you are?"
"jun, i like you. im attracted to you," yangyang admitted with a sigh, "i thought that was a given. i dont know how much that will help your silly thoughts, but its the most i can do right now."
"okay.." renjun nodded, sniffling and wiping his tear with his finger, "i- thank you."
"it's fine," the boy held renjun closer, and they cuddled so warm, and tight, "step one, of getting anywhere, please talk to me."
renjun nodded.
"whenever you feel like this, talk to me," yangyang repeated, "the times you felt off, and invited me over, and we ended up fucking, did it help?"
renjun shook his head.
"so please, i want you to talk to me."
renjun nodded, "i will. from now on, i promise."
