Just My Thougts

lost myself through someone

I lost myself through you and no one noticed.
The day my grandpa died, i died with him. Im still here but not here at the same time. Let me explain if you don't get it. Before my grandpa died i was outgoing always outside and loud, i was a extrovert to put it simple. But when my grandpa died, that part of me died with him. So now i just sit in the house all day not wanting to go out. I don't talk anymore or at least not as much. I don't want to go out anymore. I didn't cry at his funeral. I only cried the next day. When they took his body from his bed i didn't have any emotion on my face. I just looked as they took his body driving further and further away until i can't see them anymore. I looked at everyone they were all crying i was holding my sister while she was crying but i didn't feel anything. So i started to talk less and less until the point where you would only hear me sing in private. While i was practicing  a dance for with my family i smiled and laughed but it was all forced but no one noticed. The day of the funeral came and i still didn't cry even when they out his coffin in the grave i didn't cry. The next day came and it only hit me then where as to i would always wake up to his loving warm smile every morning. No one was there it only hit me then that i would never see you again unless i also died so i started to cry. No one could comfort me i only stop cause i went to sleep.I didn't cry ever since. I used to see his spirit visit me and i would just be quiet, walk out of the room and say nothing. A few months later i started to talk a little bit more but still not like i used to get they still didn't notice. I showed one emotion on my face. I always plastered a fake smile on my face always gave a fake laugh to a joke. I didn't feel anything. I started shutting people out but also keeping them in. I didn't talk about my feelings. I always said that im fine even though im not. I just don't want people asking me why im not fine cause that would cause me to open up about my feelings and i don't want to do that. I became depressed and got anxiety cause of the low amount of people i talked to. Books and music were the only things keeping sain that was my coping mecineism. I only got male friends cause i only got along with them. I do talk with female but i dont have that much female friends as i do male. It's been five years now im still the same but hot over my depression now i just sit with anxiety and a stareaphobia. Im known as  home wreaker cause i had a crush on one best friend and now im dating the other one. I know right home wreaker vibes.
Anyway what im trying to say is that i lost myself through someone but found a part of me in someone else. That person made me whole again, taught me how to live again without even knowing it and for that I'll forever be grateful. That person means so much to me but he just wants to be right all the time and doubt's me cause of his past. So i guess the real question is did i really lose myself to be found and just lost again?