Summer on the Equinox

Chapter 2: Training

Disclaimer: Don't follow anything that's written in this chapter.

I didn't know being a trainee was like being in hell. To be the one experiencing it was a nightmare. Because I have a job I needed to make a daily schedule so I can both work, commute to Seoul, and do our trainings. I have a group and there's a Manager who managed us all the time. We call her Ms.Shin. One day she asked me to quit my work so I can focus on the training but because I was on a work contract I really have had to juggle and comply until my contract ends.

I think I didn't have any personal time the moment I said yes to Mr. Yeon, the owner of the entertainment, the one I auditioned in. After I signed the trainee contract I felt like I'm on a ticking bomb, I was always on the run that it felt like I'm gonna explode any minute.

The training started after I left work at 3 PM and ends in 10 PM .The first task that my group and I did was to sing while running. That's the moment I knew that I can sing but stability is not on the radar. Performing on stage, I thought you'll just have to do your best shot but it's actually all about control.

It's hard to sing live while doing a hardcore dance, and facial expression is a must too. Everyone in the company talked about lip syncing or pre recorded vocals as the solution. They said it's because we're not perfect that these helping tools is okay but I do wonder what really is 'not perfect' means? When you know you can't control your voice so you lip synced and pre recorded your vocals or that you know your can't control your voice but you still went all in trying your best in giving your audience your rawest vocals? Both are not perfect but the other one is tampered and the other one is honest. What's more likeable? And are the artists who have stable voices set the highest standard that everyone should try to copy or should we not compare and rather admire individuals for their gift and others for being true? What should the audience like?

I appreciated that most of the members of my group were also the same, we can't control our voices which means we're on the same page and we can work it out as a team. But to my surprise it wasn't a team effort.

In a week after practicing, they held a mini singing competition per group. Us who are in Team C did a bad job. I was especially gasping for breath, I was running like I was in the Sahara desert, and most of the time I was getting choked by my own saliva while galloping like a mad man. Out of the 5 groups we were in Top 5 and my ranking was 7 out of the 8 trainee members.

I was surprised with the way I processed the result. I was thinking that I'm not doing my best enough, that my expertise is way too shallow and I have to do my best like the others. Yes it was cruel but it didn't stop there.

The next day comes and we got to have our weight checked by the trainer. She would especially announced each trainee's weight infront of everyone. I thought at first that she was cruel but when the scale read my weight and she announced it, all I can think of was shame. The weight that I had was not on the standard and I can feel her disappointment. I thought fine, then be disappointed. But when I was taking the subway all I can see myself eating for the next week was nothing. I was determined to do fasting to say it to her face that I can loose weight that easy. And so I did.

I ate oatmeal and apples for breakfast, drank water for lunch, and had nothing for dinner. I said to myself that I'm that kind of person who sets myself up to something and sticks by it till the end. I said that like a mantra over and over again to fuel my anger and by the end of the week when I got scaled and went below 10 kg, all that I felt was empty triumph and disappointment to myself.

How can I let that happen? How can I let myself be swayed by pressure? How can I treat myself that way? But those thoughts got showered down quickly by what Mr. Yeon had told me the first time we met. Welcome to Kpop.

I slept with weakened body and lost spirit that night. I hated myself right then.