When The Time Comes

Chapter 25; Ben

The drive to the Douglas's is long but I don't meet as much traffic as I would have if I'd left earlier. The night is dark as heavy velvet, rolling with each curve of the road. Lights on the interstate divide as I pass several smaller exits. 

It's one of those nights I can't sleep. Stomach turning like I have an exam to give or something. I can't sit still. Even in the car, I'm tapping the steering wheel. A car honks at me, making me steer back into my lane. I didn't realize I was taking up both of them. 

I look up at the rear view mirror quickly and straighten up. My stomach makes a noise loud enough to cut through the music playing in the background. I guess my body's looking for something past the early dinner I had. I glance around in case there's a sign for food. There isn't. And at this hour I'd be surprised to find anything open. 

  I haven't thought about I'll say when I get to their place. I suspect they won't be too keen on my unannounced arrival a few short hours before dawn. But I don't think I've gone this long without speaking to Michael. It gives me anxiety not knowing what he's up to. He hasn't been on Instagram or Facebook either. My forwarded memes sit in his inbox, unopened. Even without his phone, I'd expect a kid his age to have at least logged in on his computer once. 

  There comes a lot of unresolved emotions with the territory of having a family split up. My stag mail has me thinking about this a lot more lately. I'm his older brother. But it's so much more than that. I feel responsible for him. It's not something I complain about. Not at all. But it's hardwired in me. I had plans for the future. Fuck, I had so many plans.

I am Michael's family. Not the Douglas's. And yeah, I'm grateful for them taking him out of the system but fuck, they still haven't got him a replacement phone. I can't help but wonder if they're doing this on purpose as a means to distance us both. It's like that one time they wanted to move to Florida with him because they have family there. Eventually they gave that idea up because nobody was taking Michael that far from me. 

The husband agreed to waiting it out in Georgia but come the next couple of years, the move would be unavoidable. That's what they said. But I was always welcome to visit any time.

When I take my exit, I consider finding some place closer to Michael. Maybe an Airbnb. Or maybe the Douglas's would let me stay over a while. I could do the daily runs with him. Take him to school. Pick him up. Hell, I'll do the groceries too if they want. Of course if they let me stay, I wouldn't have to spend money that otherwise would just go to Michael anyway.

I'm pleased with myself. It's a good idea. Michael wouldn't lose any of his school time, keep up with his homework as usual. And I'd get more time with him.

  I find their house eventually. I still need to pull up google maps on my phone because in the dark, it's harder to tell the streets apart. Their driveway is empty yet I park myself on the curb instead. I turn the headlights off. The darkness swallows the car and myself.

Hooking my fingers under the door handle, it opens but I stay seated. I can't stop staring at the house, window to window. The dark green door with a splintered wreath that's been up since last thanksgiving. Welcome spelled across brown blocks. It does nothing for this house. Maybe a cycle chained to the drain pipe next to the garage would have changed things. A make-shift swing from that otherwise useless tree that cuts the view of the house in an unflattering angle. To me this does not look like a home. 

I find it difficult to imagine Michael would see it any differently.

Time is quick to pass. I barely notice it fleeting until my eyelids begin to droop. I guess the drive was more draining than I'd thought. Whatever was left of that coffee has silently left my blood. I crave sleep but even I can't sleep behind the wheel.