The Art of Dancing in the Rain (r.a.black)

Chapter Five.

"If you don't leave your past in the past it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away."

It's almost like she can read my mind. Like Sprout knows that I'm filled with vengeance— plans on how to get Mulciber back for beating me to pulp some odd nights ago.

Marlene is still itching with curiosity, but has given up her questioning, seeing as I shrug her off every time. She persisted longer than Dionysus though, and that's saying something.

It's Wednesday again, and we're doing plant therapy once more. Sprout has us potting Asphodel and talking about the events that have happened since we've last seen her.

I tell her little things. Enough for her to be satisfied but not enough to give anything away. I tell her about how I had a nightmare on Friday, and how my dad wrote me on Sunday— just enough to avoid suspicion.

Marlene's lips are sealed tight. Sprout is still attempting to crack her open. She is quite a stubborn girl.

"Have you talked to Evan Rosier?" Sprout asks.

"He can eat my shorts," she replies.

And it goes on and on like this until Sprout focuses back on me.

I'm used to her holding a magnifying glass up to my life. Trying to inspect all the pieces. She's been doing it all year. I used to get angry, until I outsmarted her.

I went on a long rant about some made up story and how it made me 'feel'. She nearly cried thinking she made a breakthrough. I let her relish in it.

Now I tell her half-truths or made up stories all together. Enough to keep her spirits up.

"Circe," she states with a kind smile, one that seems rude not to return. My smile is more like a grimace, not used to doing it much. "How are you doing since last weeks incident?"

"Incident?"

"I heard that some boys said unkind things to you... things about your mother."

I inhale a sharp breath, unnoticeable. "Sure."

"You fought back didn't you?"

"So?"

"So, how are you doing. Coping with her departure."

"Death." I correct.

It takes Sprout off guard. She's gawking. Mouth opening and closing like a fish. "What—"

"Death. You mean my mother's death. That's what it is, after all. She is dead."

Sprout speaks quietly now. "I suppose that is correct," I made her uncomfortable.

I made Marlene uncomfortable too. We all just sit there and sit there— wondering who is going to make this less awkward. Shouldn't have left it up to me. I only make it worse.

"I enjoyed it," I speak honestly. Both women look at me like I'm mad. "Watching Mulciber squirm under my hex. He deserved it after all. I think karma is a beautiful thing."

Sprout is completely silent now— I know she wants to say something like, that's fucked up, but she doesn't. Even Marlene is wide eyed, though she has no room to be shocked. Only difference between us is that I can admit that I love revenge. Best served cold.

"I don't think we should be resorting to violence," the Professor squeaks out. "An eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind."

"But, not if the eye I seek has always been mine."

I never claimed to be a good person. Less do I go out of my way to show I am one. The first thought that comes to mind when my name is uttered isn't that I'm good. Pessimistic, cold, apathetic maybe. But never good.

Dionysus finds me again after plant therapy. He can tell that I don't want to talk, more than usual, and instead he drones on about quidditch practice. Some shenanigans him, Potter and Black got into. He invites me to dinner again. I brush him off again. It's becoming redundant.

Marlene didn't try to talk to me. I probably scared her off. It was only a matter of time. Not that I care much. I'm best when I'm on my own.

The day goes on like a heedless engine. And like always, I know the sun will set. I will rest my head on a pillow, forget about the worries of the day, and do it all again tomorrow. It's routine. It's a chore.

I walked down these hallways a million times, feeling like a ghost in a shell. My insides wailed for anyone to reach out and extract the pain that I've held my heart. I've spent the last few months making myself digestible for others to the extent that I no longer know what is left of me. Or maybe I am just not allowed to be human where others can see me.

I watch other people have emotions in public and am often stunned by them. I am not allowed to feel big things. When I feel big things, I am a messy, annoying person. It's ugly when I'm sad. It's uncomfortable for everyone.

The other day, I was relating another story to my father. I paused for a moment and then let out that little bark of laughter - it shouldn't have hurt, but I guess it did!

I promise that I'm not upset about it. I'm never upset about anything. I just pass through this world - ghostlike. Numb. Promising others - oh! I've just changed a lot since I was a kid.

Dumbledore doesn't buy my shit. I guess he sees I'm more pissed off than my usual flippant self. I'm not sure why he thinks prodding around my life will make me any less pissed off. It certainly doesn't.

He catches me in a corridor on the way to his office. "Don't lose hope," he tells me. "Please believe there are a thousand beautiful things waiting for you."

The headmaster thinks I'm depressed. He's always saying things as if I'm on my last leg, about to plummet off the edge. If I was, I don't know how he thinks his weird motivational words help. If anything, every time he tells me to keep going I end up wanting to jump from the astronomy tower right there.

Maybe it's because of the way my mother died. Dumbledore seems to think it put ideas in my head. So has Sprout, and McGonagall, and Flitwick, and my brother. That I'm gonna follow right after her and do the same. It's why Dionysus keeps trying to get me to open up. It's why I do plant therapy with Sprout. It's why Dumbledore chases me with his pep talks. But I won't.

I think it was a cowardly way to go. And so very selfish. My mother made a choice, one that had effected us all since that moment. One that I would never dare to follow.

No, there's nothing wrong with me. I just see everyone and everything for what they truly are. Anyone else who did would be the same exact way.