Amaranthine

Chapter 4

TW: Panic Attack

Fanden POV

I watched him go. The door shut softly behind him. His words circled my head, "...you can't take your pain out on me, I've done nothing wrong."

I let out a shaky breath, tears welling up in my eyes. I knew he was right. Of course, I did. I knew my behavior was childish. But it all hurt. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, a vacant space left between my ribs. His father killed my parents. HIS father and nothing was done. He never felt what I did. He never has.

I could feel my breathing become unsteady, the slimy tendrils of jealousy licking at my soul, and anger bubbling in my stomach. Most of all, fear. Fear is buried deep inside and hidden behind everything else. Fear of forgiving. If I forgive Satanas, if I open myself up to him, would I be forgiving his father as well? That's what it feels like. No words could explain why I felt that way, but the mere thought of forgiving Ragnak made me feel out of control.

I was losing control.

My head is floating, I can't grasp my senses. My hands are shaking, my jaw is tight, teeth are clenched. My eyes can't focus on one thing, my mind is racing. I don't have control over myself. I can't control myself. Another wave of panic hit me in the form of anger. I find myself pulling at my hair, eyes wild and distant. A part of me wanted to collapse on the floor and start screaming, while another wanted me to start slamming my fists into the wall. The indecision only made my head feel further away. Everything felt foggy, I dig my nails into my scalp, and the sharp pokes against the skin felt good. The feeling cleared some of the fog.

...

I stand, backing towards the wall behind my chair at my desk. Slowly I slide down said wall, nails still digging into my scalp. I shut my eyes. I feel myself returning, my hands falling into my lap. Silence. I wasn't aware of how loud everything felt when my thoughts were running. Everything was still. I open my eyes into slits, blearily staring at my knees and hands. Nothing. I feel dull. Tired. Empty.

The soft sound of heels clicking across the hardwood floor brought me back to reality. I recognized those steps, it was Sakura. She stood in front of me for a few seconds before crouching down. Despite still staring at my lap, I knew she was observing me silently.

"You wanna talk about it?" That was all Sakura said.

I took a few moments to respond, "If I..."

She sat down on the hardwood completely and rested her elbows on her knees, her head in her hands. She was listening. Quietly urging me to keep speaking.

"If I let Satanas in, stop being rivals with him, be friends with him... Would I forgive his family for what they did to me and my parents..." I muttered softly, still refusing to look Sakura in the eyes.

She let out a soft sigh, shaking her head. "No. You don't have to get along with his family to get along with him."

I frowned deeply

She reached out and brushed a strand of hair out of my face, "and if anything, I doubt he's forgiven them for their war crimes." She hummed thoughtfully.

The thought of Satanas potentially not being on good terms with his parents because of what they've done had never crossed my mind.

Sakura watched as I mulled over that possibility for a short amount of time before standing again. She observed me for a few more moments, making sure I could be left on my own before she walked out.