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[You are crying/
I want to cry instead]

When he actually thinks about it though, Jungkook doesn't really know what he wants to do with his life. Far too busy with the demands of the day-to-day, he never really had any set long-term goals. At least, none that could possibly see the light of day with his brother's passing.

Any goals he'd ever considered reasonable had to be evaluated once, then re-evaluated a bunch more times, growing up poor. Some things just came by much easier for other people, some people worked hard for it, and then you have Jungkook, who can work hard and still get nothing. Such is life.

One thing Jungkook had an aptitude for since he was little had been the arts. He'd spend lazy afternoons just doodling away, hands perpetually dirty with ink and paint and chalk, where other kids' hands were covered with sand and caked in mud. One of his favorite birthdays had been the year he was gifted with a set of oil pastels. He had marvelled at the multitude of shades and hues, more than the basic ROYGBIV set. He took his time admiring it, and made sure to use it only when he had something special in mind.

He isn't technically skilled, though, is the thing. He just sees something, and copies what he likes, to the best of his abilities. The problem with that is that his work never came across as original or authentically his.

That had been the common critique of Jungkook's work when he had tried to apply for art school on scholarship. He is teachable, one had commented, and certainly had potential, but there are others with more natural talent than him. Such is life.

He had packed up all his art supplies and that was that.

Jungkook looks at the blank sketchpad, feeling daunted. He twirls the pen around his fingers, not even sure the last time he made a doodle worth anything.

He pushes off his bed, feeling rather suffocated. Ever since quitting his job, both Si-Hyuk and his uncle had tried getting him to reconsider. The pay is for shit -- not that he's particularly rolling in dough -- but he could try looking for another job if he really needed it. For now he had an abundance of time he had no idea what to do with.

His father knocks on his door. "No work today?"

Jungkook grimaces. "I quit a few days ago, I've been meaning to tell you," he confesses.

"Oh." They stare at each other for a bit. "How come?"

Jungkook shrugs. "No particular reason, appa. Thinking of looking for something else to do," he says. He fingers the edge of his sketchpad. "Actually... I'm thinking of retaking my CSATs. Re-applying for colleges."

When he says it out loud, Jungkook realizes it actually doesn't feel like a lie. He does have a shortlist of colleges he wanted to attend, with programs that offered scholarships; he just needs to haul his CSATs way up.

"That's... good," his father says slowly.

Jungkook nods. "Yup... I've been wanting to do it for a while now." About three full minutes.

"Will you be joining a hagwon? For reviewing?"

Jungkook shakes his head. "No, I think I'll manage the studying on my own. I just got... distracted... last time," he says. "I already quit my job, I don't want to add to the expenses by enrolling in a hagwon."

His father clicks his tongue. "We have some money put away for things like this, adeul," he says.

Yes, he agrees silently. Hyung has money put away for things like this. Which Jungkook silently diverted for other things, like their bills, and their food, and medication. Upkeep for the house.