"Okay nerds, listen up!" Mandy claps her hands, grabbing the attention of all of us. We're outside on campus, and I'm sitting next to Ethan.
"As terrifying as this all is, I'm actually glad I get a chance to redeem myself for not calling the killers last time," she says, while pulling her shirt down. "It's fine," she says while sighing.
"The way I see it, someone is out to make a sequel to the requel."
"Um, what's a requel?" Anika raises her hand.
"You're beautiful, sweetie. Let's hold questions till the end," Mindy says.
"Stab 1 took place in Woodsboro," Sam says, before I finish her sentence.
"And Stab 2 took place in college," I say, nodding my head.
"So do we think that the killer is trying to copy the movies?" Tara asks.
"That is one possibility. Hero's now in college: check. Suspicious new characters brought in to round out the suspect list and/or body count: check, check, and check," Mindy says, while pointing at Quinn, Anika, and then Ethan.
"I don't like this," Ethan says, shaking his head. I let out a laugh.
"But it can't just be about Stab 2," Mindy says.
"Why not?" Tara asks.
"It would make sense if this were just a sequel, but we're not in a sequel because nobody just makes sequels anymore." She stops and we all look confused.
I stand up and say, "We're in a franchise!" finally understanding what she's talking about.
"Yes, and there are certain rules to a continuing franchise," Mindy says.
Sam sighs, "I had a feeling."
"Rule one: everything is bigger than last time. Bigger budget, bigger cast, bigger body count. Longer chases, shoot-outs, beheadings. You gotta top what came before to keep people coming back," Mindy says.
"Beheadings?" Chad is writing all of this down in a notebook.
Mindy points at him, "Beheadings."
"Rule two: whatever happened last time, expect the opposite. Franchises only survive by subverting expectations! If the killers last time were whiny, snowflake, film nerds with letterbox accounts instead of personalities, you can bet the opposite will be true here. And rule three: no one is safe. Legacy characters? Cannon fodder at this point. Usually brought back only to be killed off in some cheap bid for nostalgia. It's not looking too good for Gale and Kirby... oh! And that's not even the worst part!" Mindy gets cut off by Chad.
"This is the part where she tells us the worst part," Chad says, pointing his pencil to Tara. At this point, I'm pacing back and forth listening to this.
"The worst part is, franchises are just continuing episodic installments designed to boost an IP. Which means main characters are now expendable too. Laurie Strode, Nancy Thompson, Ellen Ripley, Sally Hardesty, Jigsaw, Tony Stark, James Bond -- I mean, even Luke Skywalker -- all died so their franchises could live on! That means it's not just the friend group. Any of us could go at any time. Especially Sam, Tara, and Sey," she says, looking at all three of us.
I stop pacing and look at Ethan, who's clenching his jaw.
"But that brings us to our current suspects: Ethan. The shy dorky guy who no one suspects because he's so shy and dorky."
"Okay -- wait -- why am I on the suspect list? Because I'm randomly Chad's roommate and Sey's boyfriend?" Ethan asks.
"Roommate lotteries can be juked. You could've fixed it to get next to us! Oh, and never trust the love interest!" she says while leaning closer to him. He rolls his eyes, and I go sit down next to him again, leaning my head on his shoulder.
"Quinn. The slutty roommate. A horror movie classic."
"Sex-positive, but... thank you?" Quinn replies.
"Um, how did you come to live with Sam and Tara?" Mindy asks suspiciously.
"I answered their ad online?"
"Okay, say no more. You've already implicated yourself enough!"
"It was an anonymous ad, Mindy. And you know we vetted her. Plus, her dad is a cop --" Tara gets cut off by Mindy.
"And that makes it more likely that she's the killer, because having a cop dad is a great cover! Do you not remember how these movies work, Tara?!" she yells, leaning forward to Tara.
"Is she always like this?" Quinn asks, and Sam nods.
"And finally... Anika," Mindy says, resulting in Anika blowing her a kiss.
Mindy blows one back before saying, "Again, never trust the love interest," and Anika's smile drops.
"Okay! So we have our rules, and we have our suspects," Sam says, but is cut off by Quinn.
"Wait, wait, wait. What about you guys?"
"I mean, I think it's pretty safe to rule out the five of us who went through this last year in Woodsboro...?" I say, looking at her.
Chad points his pencil at me, "Agreed!"
"Um, not agreed. What if the trauma you all went through caused one or more of you to snap? Or the fame you got from the killings made you thirsty for more?" Quinn argues.
"She's right, though," Anika says. "I mean, face facts -- if we're all suspects, you're all suspects."
"Um, I think I would know if one of my friends were having a psychotic breakdown?" I say.
"You guys," I point to Ethan, Quinn, and Anika, "could get out if you want. You guys have the option whether or not to put yourselves at risk. But us? We're doomed. I'm almost 100% sure my death is going to be caused by murder. Which sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it. I mean, these lunatics want to punish us for death by causing more death. It's horrible."
"You're right. We probably aren't ever going to have a normal life. Every decade or so, I'm sure something will come back, and eventually, they'll get us for good," Chad says, looking at me.
I exhale, "Yeah, sometimes I wish I could just sit down with the killer and ask why. Like I feel like I could change their mind with a simple 30-minute conversation. I mean, not everything has to end with violence. It's giving toxic masculinity." I roll my eyes and lean my head back, looking at the sky.
For some reason, Ethan and Quinn keep making eye contact. I swear, if he's cheating on me with her, I will jump off a bridge. I think he's too dorky to cheat on me, but still.
