Six Secrets - Noa Olivar

20

Noa sat outside Jules hospital room, her leg bouncing up and down viscously. Everyone was in a tense and worried state after Noa confessed that Jules tried to kill herself. Her eyes slowly trailed over to Mouse who was curled in a ball on the chair. Her legs were in her chest and her arms were wrapped around her legs holding them in place so that she couldn't move. Her face looked motionless and her eyes had tears sitting in them, slowly they fell one by one. Much like Noa, Mouse began uncontrollably crying after finding out about Jules. She had never really dealt with serious loss before, the idea of her girlfriend possibly being dead, she didn't know how to feel. Mouse had always been an emotional person, her mothers wanted her to be open about her feelings since they felt that people who bottle their feelings in often are more likely to lash out. Noa was a prime example. Noa was never able to talk about her feelings because she was always worrying about her mother. The first week after she was arrested, she cried every night in her cell until she fell asleep. She always wanted to be strong for her mother, for Julianna, but she never knew how much it would take a toll on herself since she never wanted to talk about her feelings. Now she's slowly finding out as her body and mind were slowly giving up on her. She couldn't talk, her head hurt so bad and she felt so sick that she knew if she tried to eat anything it was gonna come back up. She felt a hand graze her back slowly and she turned back to see Shawn sitting right behind her. "Can I do anything for you baby?" He asked as she slowly melted into him. "No. I just wanna sit here." "Can I get you something to eat? Or to drink at least?" "If I eat anything I'll just end up vomiting it back up. Maybe some water or something." "Noa that's not healthy. You should talk to someone about that." Noa stared up at Shawn with dark visions clouding over her. "She almost died, Shawn. I don't care about fucking food." "Okay okay. I'm sorry." "I just... I have to be alone right now." Noa didn't wait for anyone to reply, she just got up and ran down the hall, her emotions began to take over. Her chest hurt so much from crying, this overwhelming pain was causing her anxiety. As she found herself stopped against a wall as she felt herself unable to breathe properly, she sank down against the wall as she kept a hand on her chest. She felt her vision get cloudy as she felt her breathing slow and she felt her stomach start to hurt again. She wrapped her hands around her stomach as she closed her eyes until she felt a hand touch her shoulder and she saw a woman in a white coat in front of her.

"Honey, are you okay? Are you lost? Are you sick?" Noa shook her head as she tried to stand, but she wobbled and fell into the woman. "Come on honey, just follow me for a second." Noa wanted to say no but she couldn't focus. She felt herself being lowered onto a bed in a room but she sat herself up, immediately a headrush burning through her skull. "Take it easy hun. Can you tell me your name?" Noa looked at the woman who still appears a little hazy as she felt her hands grip the side of the bed to help her sit up right. "Noa. Noa Olivar." "Oh." The woman said in a low tone. Noa looked up at her furrowing her brows. Did she know her? "Oh?" "Umm...I'm sorry dear, we haven't properly introduced ourselves. I'm Doctor Bailey. The reason that I said oh was because...well." 'Your voice." Noa muttered, the realization hit her; she was who called her about Julianna. "Yeah. I'm so sorry hun that I had to be the one to break the news to you, but you don't seem well dear." "Shocking." Noa replied with a tone of annoyance, she didn't want to talk to her. "Noa, can I just ask you some questions? It'll be quick. It might help to calm you down a little bit." "Is this necessary?" "No it's not Noa. It's completely voluntary. But I think it would help you to be able to digest everything you're feeling right now." Noa dug her nails into the bed she was sitting on, her chest still pained her but she tried to ignore it. "I don't know what to say." Doctor Bailey sat across from Noa as she noticed Noa's hands gripping the bed too hard. "Noa, do you always do that with your hands when you're stressed?" Noa looked down at her hands as she slowly pried her fingers out of the bed. "I don't know. Sometimes maybe. If I can't grip something I just clench my nails into the palm of my hands." "Why do you do that?" "I guess the pain makes me forget about what I'm stressed over. Sometimes I'll have my hands clenched so hard my palms will start to bleed." "I see. Do you do anything else to avoid your stress or feelings?" "I..I don't know. I guess what happened tonight has become a recurring theme." And what happened tonight?" "I cried so much that I fainted in my boyfriend's arms. It only happened once before tonight and I ended up hurting my friend Tabby." "Anything else?" Noa bit the inside of her lip as she really tried to think about everything she did. It's hard to evaluate yourself or talk about yourself, especially when you never did it when you were young. "Sometimes I get so overworked I make myself sick. I get so stressed or upset that my stomach hurts and then I usually tend to vomit. A lot." She mumbled the last two words as she looked away from the doctor, feeling as if she was in a therapy session. She didn't know why she was admitting all these things to this woman, it's not like she knew her at all. It just felt..right, for some reason. But it was also new to her, and it made her feel a little queasy. "Are you okay Noa?" "Yeah, just talking about this...it's a little new for me. And this feeling, it doesn't feel good." "What are you feeling at the moment?" "Sweaty, my head hurts, my throat is throbbing and I feel like I wanna throw up and all I wanna know is if Jules is okay. I just wanna talk to her, hug her. I can't lose her, I need her!" Noa felt hot tears running down her cheeks as the doctor placed a hand on her knee. "Hey hey, Noa. She's gonna be alright. Can you tell me about her? What's a favorite memory you've had? How long has she been battling with mental illness? Is she your best friend?" All these questions were overwhelming her but she knew the doctor just wanted her to talk about Jules. So that's what she did. "I met Jules when I was eleven. I had had a hard year the year before, she doesn't really know a lot about it and I want it to stay that way. I met her in the bathroom of our public school, and she was harming herself. She's had mental health problems for as long as I've known her." "Is there a reason behind it?" "Well her home life is a little difficult. She lost her sister around the time I met her. It messed her up pretty bad. You can't tell anyone I told you this." "I won't. I promise." Doctor Bailey assured her, Noa nodded gently as she wiped under her nose and sniffled. "Jules is my best friend. We have this way of protecting one another. And as far as a favorite memory I don't really have one, because every time I see her, I'm happy. Or I'm not and she helps me to feel better. She's like, that thing everyone wants but it's impossible to get. Jules is like...an angel. Sometimes I believe she was sent to me and more times I feel like I don't deserve her." "It seems like you rely on her a lot." "Yeah. I guess you could say that." "Do you feel uneasy when you're not with her? Do you feel a constant need to be around her?" "Yeah... I guess. She just makes everything feel so much easier." "And do you feel pain when you're not with her, or if something happens to her that you can't help her with." Noa was starting to feel a little overwhelmed but she wanted to get all this out of herself. "I..I guess I feel guilty. Like I should've been there. I just can't lose her. I won't be able to make it. I should've been there for her yesterday. Here comes that guilt feeling." Noa started mumbling more of her words, she was getting uncomfortable with these questions. "Seems like you may have some separation anxiety." Noa furrowed her brows when doctor Bailey said that, it sounded ridiculous because she could go without seeing Jules, but as she thought deeper into it, she always looked towards her for help. Not her mom, not her boyfriend, just her. "Maybe." She came to the conclusion,  unable to look at doctor Bailey anymore. Bailey could see Noa deteriorating and wanted to avoid her from breaking down again, and so she moved her chair closer to her and took ahold of the teens hand, causing Noa to finally look back up at her Noa. "You know Noa, it is okay to ask for help." "My mom said we don't need any." "Well your mother doesn't feel what you feel. You are a completely different person than your mother and you feel different things, you have different difficulties than her." Noa felt herself starting to cry as she realized she had always put her mother before herself. She had put everyone before herself and now look at what's happened. She had physically and mentally drained herself and she had become miserable. Her chest began to heave as she let out a small sob, but tried to contain it, causing no her to let out a squeaky whimper. "Have you always felt like you couldn't talk about these things, Noa?" Noa couldn't answer her, instead, she bowed her head and nodded as she tried to stop herself from breaking down again. It hurt so badly and she wanted this feeling to stop. She wanted everything to stop and she wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Sleepovers with Jules every Saturday night, track meets every other week, the simplicity of her life. She wanted it all, yet everything had slowly been stripped from her, starting with her freedom. She would always have her arrest on her back, people would always know of her for that. And this feeling that maybe she doesn't have the same feelings for the people she had originally, these sudden butterflies that float around in her stomach, everything was confusing her. "I just want my old life back." She whispers through her tears, almost as if she was admitting defeat. "Noa, you can get your old life back. You can. I think with some guidance and some time, I think you'll be able to get everything you want back. I want you to see a therapist." Noa bit her cheek as it all sank in and she took a deep breath. "What will a therapist do to help me?" "They'll do what you haven't been able to do. You'll talk, and they'll just listen. They'll listen to you and you'll be able to speak what's on your mind. Sometimes that's all you need and then they'll be able to provide tools for you to help you change your behavior or your daily life to what you want. "How long would I have to do it for?" "I would say for as long as you need. With therapy you can't really put a timeframe on it since everyone develops at different paces." "Why should I listen to you? We just met. And now you're trying to play doctor on me when I don't need help!" Noa raised her voice only for doctor Bailey to smirk and furrowed her brows. "That outburst begs to differ." Noa rolled her eyes as she crossed her legs and arms. "I'm sorry." "It's fine. Really it is. But I think that was a great example of why you should at least consider therapy. It would be once a week for like an hour and all you would do is just talk. You bottle up your feelings which is why you have had these major outbursts twice. Having therapy will help to release all these emotions you're holding inside and you do feel a lot better after." "How would you know?" "Noa, I was in therapy from the age of six to the age of nineteen. For thirteen years I sat in a chair every week for one hour and just talked. It really does help hun." Noa had no idea what to do. Doctor Bailey made it seem so helpful, but she was worried about the idea of just being with a stranger in an enclosed space for a period of time. It seemed weird. But at the end of the day she didn't want to feel like this anymore. She wanted to feel free of this feeling, she didn't want to get to the point that Jules was at, she couldn't imagine doing that to herself. "So if I say yes, where would I go from here?" Noa asked, she could feel herself getting a little more anxious, now that she admitted that she wanted the help, she knew she actually needed to go through with it. Whatever she could do to get out of that room faster so she could see if Jules was awake. "Well Noa, we could bring you back to where you were waiting originally, I'm assuming you had friends waiting with you?" Noa nodded quickly, she really did wanna get back to her friends. "And after that I can go grab you some pamphlets for the resources you're looking for. If you would like, I could even set up your first appointment and then I could give you all their information so you don't have to worry about it yourself." "Yeah sure. Whatever's easier." Noa wanted to go, she stood up but felt her legs buckle underneath her. "Woah careful hun. Do you wanna lay down for a little bit?" "No I can't." Noa rubbed her eyes as doctor Bailey tried to persuade her to rest. "Noa you seem tired. Even if you rest just for a little you'll feel better. "No, no! I have to see Jules! I need to know she's okay!" It was starting again, the lashing out, the aggression that Noa couldn't seem to control. The doctor held her in her arms as Noa tried to escape her grasp but couldn't. Eventually she stopped the fighting and managed to inhale a steady breath again as she looked up at Bailey. "Has it passed Noa?" Noa nodded softly as the doctor let go of her so she could collect herself. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather wait here?" "No no. I will do the therapy if that's what I need to do but right now I need to go back to the waiting area where I was. I have to know if she's okay." "Okay Noa. That's fine. I'll check on her when we get over there but I need you to promise that you're going to just sit and relax with your boyfriend and you'll also get something small to eat and drink." Noa agreed to that as doctor Bailey led her back to the hallway where her friends were all waiting. "Are these your friends?" She asked, Noa nodded. "Sit with your friends. Get something to drink. I'll check on Julianna." She sat Noa down beside Shawn before she walked into Jules's room. No one said anything to her. Shawn gave her her space. Noa played with her hands, they were starting to sweat. She was as tired, she felt better from being able to get everything off her chest, and so, she leaned back against Shawn, allowing him to put his arms around her. She closed her eyes as she gave into her exhaustion,  everyone around her being slightly shocked. Doctor Bailey came out to see Noa asleep, and so she told Shawn she would come back a little later so she could give something to her. The other girls brought Mouse down to the cafeteria to get some food into her and promised to bring back food for Noa, and Shawn of course, who was starving by this point but swore to himself that he wouldn't let go of Noa, not ever.